This is the rock Amy gave me. Sometimes I literally hold it in the palm of my hand.
This is a gift from Karen. She wrote me a note that said it is a "good reminder of what to hold on to." She is so right.
At home I have cards and flowers everywhere. I was wondering this morning how people who don't have loved ones in their lives get through loss. I wouldn't have made it through those first few days without the people in my life. Family, friends, acquaintances, authors. other blog writers. And they are still there for me, still praying for me. I can feel it.
At school today I had a bad moment. Bad, as in, I thought I was going to need to run out of the room because I was going to break down in a sob in front of 6 other teachers. We were having a meeting and talking about when our next one would be. The date that was thrown out there was September 11th. That day has a double meaning for me now. It was the day our 12 week appointment was scheduled. We would have heard our baby's heartbeat that day. I held it together, just barely, but I swear to you, I felt my heart twist in pain.
As I was writing this entry, I got really sad again. I let the computer sit idle while Jeff hugged me and let me cry on his shoulder. I almost was angry with myself because I have had such a wonderful last couple days. I don't want to shed more tears. I am so tired of crying.
But I know I am still healing and I know from listening to others that I need to allow myself time to heal.
It's okay to cry.
It is so hard to think of you having moments like these. I want to be there to wipe away yours tears like I did when you were little. When Jeff and I talked that first day, he said he didn't know what to do, you were so sad and upset. I told him he had to accept that he couldn't fix this, that I knew he wanted to but it just wasn't possible. I told him to just be there for you and let you grieve, and to realize that he needed to grieve too and not just take care of you. It is so easy to give that advice, much more difficult to practice it myself. I so desperately want to fix this for you. Love you my beautiful girl...Mom
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ReplyDeletewow am excited now am now a mother of my own thank god
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