Thursday was the second day of school. Once again, it was therapy for me. When I
was walking to my room Monique saw me in the hall and asked how my arms were.
I was confused for a moment, but then realized she was talking about where they
draw my blood. I showed her my bruises, we got teary eyed, I thanked her again for
the card and for caring, and we went our separate ways.
I got an email from Jeff saying that the doctor’s office called him with results from
my bloodwork. He said I could call if I wanted or wait until after school. I called at
lunch. Even though I knew the results before hearing them it was still hard. I called
back after school to talk with Dr. Lyons nurse myself. She said my HCG level was
at 19,000 on Saturday and Monday it went up to 21, 000 which is why they wanted
me to come back Wednesday. Wednesday it was at 17,000. I asked what I was
supposed to do; I didn’t know what to do. She said Dr. Lyons would be back in the
office the next day and she would decide what the next step was, but she thought
she would want me to come back in a week to have my blood drawn again. She said
she was so very sorry and then we hung up.
I’m so glad my mom and sister were at our house. I broke down again. I cried while
my mom hugged me and told me she wished she could take it all away. I wished she
could have too.
Jeff and I decided to go out to T.J. to get something for ourselves, maybe that would
make us feel a tad better. The second we got there I didn’t want to be there. It
didn’t make me feel better. Not at all. We pulled back in the garage and I just
couldn’t stop the tears. I just didn’t understand how I wasn’t pregnant anymore. It
didn’t make sense, just a week ago I thought I was almost 8 weeks pregnant and had
a baby inside of me with a beating heart and organs and arm and leg buds. How?
Why?
Friday was an okay day. Third day of school. Jeff’s parents came over. His mom
hugged me and talked to me about her experience and told me the same things that
everyone that has been through this has said: “It’s okay to be sad.” “Let yourself
grieve.” Because this has been a trend I thought more and more about it and
realized that they are all right. I DO need to let myself feel the pain and hurt and not
try to be “strong”.
Amy and Stacy came over because Jeff went to a movie with Joel
and I didn’t want to be alone. We talked and watched a movie together. I was so
grateful to have them with me. So blessed to have these wonderful people in my life.
I knew when you told me you were going to shop a little that you would feel just as empty when you got back. You were trying to do something normal, to sooth yourself, but of course you realize that nothing but time passing will make things better. You know that, but you'll keep trying, and one day, you really will feel better. You don't fill the empty place, you just get used to it, it's a part of you now. Love you, sweet little girl...Mom
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ReplyDeletewow am excited now am now a mother of my own thank god
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