Thank God for weddings

These last couple days have been an emotional roller coaster.  Thursday I took off early from work to come home, meet Jeff, and get to the doctor's for our ultrasound and lab.  They took my blood first and then got us right in to the ultrasound room.  This time we went to the other OB office in town and the nurses seemed very much "in the know" and didn't ask any stupid questions like, "Are you having a regular period?".  They also didn't try to get me to talk about my summer...

I went in feeling strong and thinking about the night to come, Sarah's wedding rehearsal, and how much fun it would be.  But the second we checked in, it sunk in and I started to feel those awful feelings of loss and pity washing over me.  There weren't as many pregnant women, but there was a tiny little baby in the waiting room who was crying.  The sound of a baby, even if it is crying, always warms my heart, but this time it made me feel tense and sad.  I kept thinking back to when Aiden was a baby and trying to focus on how blessed we are to have him, instead of thinking about the baby that we were supposed to have in March crying that "baby cry".

I had prepared myself for another terrible ultrasound experience, but that wasn't as bad either.  I kept wondering if I was becoming numb to it all.  The tech only did the "vaginal" ultrasound this time which was good.  I didn't want another belly ultrasound.  For some reason that really got to me.  The tech didn't say much at all except to ask how the bleeding was.  I told her today it wasn't as heavy and was even brown occasionally.

Dr. Lyons wasn't in Friday, so she will call next week with the results.  I am hoping and praying that I won't have to do another ultrasound or blood test.  Please let me be done.

When we were finished at the office, we checked out, walked out hand in hand, got into the car, drove away, and then I lost it again.  I told Jeff the same thing I have said over and over again for the last 3 weeks, "I just want it to be over."  and of course... "It's not fair." 

When we got home I sat in the car for a bit and cried hard, then came inside and started packing and getting ready for the rehearsal.  Something to keep be busy, keep my mind busy, but the ache was still there.  This thought had been nagging at me all week but I was still refusing to bring it to the front... "I was supposed to be almost 11 weeks pregnant at this wedding and we were going to tell Jeff's family." And I was still nervous about people asking me how I was feeling if they didn't know what happened.  Jeff told me he took care of it all and I shouldn't worry about it, but I did anyway.

Nobody said a word.  Thank you husband.

The rehearsal was beautiful, exciting, happy, and fun, as was the wedding the next day.  I was in my own world and starting to bleed heavier again with some clots, but it's hard not to feed off of an ecstatic bride and an adorable little ringbearer named Aiden. (see below)  :) I danced with my husband, we danced with Aiden, chatted with family members, and watched a happy Sarah and Brent dance the night away. It was a good day and night.

I want the feelings of being happy, excited, and giddy to be my normal again, it was really nice to feel that way. 

Thank God for weddings.

 I remember looking at this picture after taking it and thinking, "I am smiling with my teeth showing."  Strange isn't it?  I love how happy I look, and look at my Aiden.  How can I not be happy?

My little ringbearer.  And my angel.