Pastor Mike

Wednesday morning I was sad, mad, and confused again. School, being my own
little therapy, was good. The students need me and I have to be “okay” when I am
there. Karen came in to check on me in the morning. We talked a lot about God and
the fact that even now she has a hard time accepting it. She let me talk to her about
what has been going on physically and emotionally the last couple days. It really
did make me feel better to talk about it with someone who truly knows what its
like. Val came in after school to talk too. We talked about grief, pain, coping, and we
talked about being mommies. She was wonderful. I have found peace and solace in
people I never thought to turn to.

That night Jeff and I met with Pastor Mike. He told us how sorry he was for our loss
and asked how it all came about. I started but then couldn’t finish and Jeff picked
up where I left off. Mike said a lot of things to us but I took Val’s advice and tried to
find one or two things that he said that I could hold one to. Those things were this:

He quoted the verse in the Bible from Jeremiah, “Before I formed you in the womb,
I knew you.” He told us that God was holding our baby when he was with us and he
is still holding our baby. That even though we will never hold the baby, or live with
the baby the way we had planned, He will. That our baby is with him, and we will
be someday too.

I told him that people have said to me a lot, “This was God’s plan, “ and I didn’t think
that God would do this to me, he wouldn’t want me to feel this way. He told me that
he didn’t like when people said that. He just had a funeral for a little boy that day that ran out in front of a car. Someone at the funeral said, “Well, this was God’s plan
for him.” Pastor Mike said he got very upset because God didn’t do that to that little
boy, that was an accident. Just like God didn’t say, “I need more unborn children”
and choose our baby to take. However, he did say that God looks after us all and
this baby was not going to be okay. So nature, which in essence, was God’s doing,
stopped the pregnancy.

He asked what I had been doing to cope. I said I was just trying to get through one
day at a time. And praying, a lot. He asked what I had found in that. I told him
that I asked God “Why?” a lot, and I also told him my story of finding God in burps
and farts the night before. He enjoyed the latter and his response to the prior was
beautiful. I can’t reproduce what he told us exactly, but what I took from it was that we
will always be asking “Why?” and sometimes it takes time to find the answers, and
sometimes we will never know the answers. He said that we don’t always tell our
children the truth because they can’t comprehend the answers and/or they aren’t
ready to hear the answers. God does the same thing with his children. I will never
really know “Why” this happened to us, at this time, with this baby, but eventually I
will be okay with that fact.

He gave me a small booklet to read and prayed with us. The prayer I will never
forget. He prayed for our baby. I hadn’t done that yet. He told the Lord to continue
to be with us through this time and that we would be able to be with our baby
someday and then forever more.

Did he fix everything and make me feel normal again?  No.  But I came home feeling more at peace and continued to replay those 3 things in my head that I chose to hold on to. 

One day at a time.