Answered prayers

Monday was back to school. It was hard to leave Aiden, as it always is. The day
went well. I kept busy at school and when I got home my parents were here to greet
me, make supper, and keep me company. This was the first day I didn’t break down
into sobs. I couldn’t believe I went the whole day, especially because there was still
a lot of blood, and I scheduled my ultrasound for Friday. Again, I starting feeling like
I may actually be okay.

Tuesday morning was back to feeling sad, mad, and confused. I didn’t want to be
at school, I just wanted to be at home with my Aiden and my parents. I talked to a
teacher at school, Val. Her dad is a Methodist minister and I wanted to ask her if
she would talk to him about scriptures, books..anything,  that he could give me to help me
cope. I knew I wanted to talk to Pastor Mike, but didn’t think I was ready. I didn’t
want to go in there and treat it like a therapy session, I wanted to go in there and
know that he is my Pastor and I need him in that way alone. Val cried with me and
hugged me and told me that she didn’t know my pain, but she knew grief. She lost
her brother several years ago and she told me that I needed to allow myself to feel
sad and grieve for my loss. She said she went to Pastor Mike and it was very good
for her, and she encouraged me to think about it. She emailed me that night and said
a few things: That she was bringing us dinner Friday night, that if I needed to move
one day, hour, or even minute at a time, I could, and that she had talked to her dad.
He offered to call and talk with me if I wanted. After thinking about it, I decided to
meet with Pastor Mike first. I needed it and realized, for some reason just at that
moment, that Jeff would be there with me and if I couldn’t talk he could.

Tuesday night I felt okay, until bedtime. I was changing my pad…again, and
thought, “This blood was supposed to be for my baby.” And I lost it. The sadness
washed over me completely and I sat on the toilet and sobbed and sobbed and
sobbed. I also prayed and prayed and prayed. I asked God to get me through this
and help me find the other side of this. That time I was only talking about this moment in time. I knew it would come back, but I wanted Him to take the sadness away, at
this moment in time, and give me peace, at this moment in time. Jeff came in after a bit and told me to come to bed. I didn’t want to yet so I went out to the living room. He followed me
out, lay down by me on the couch and rubbed my back. He told me “It’s going to be
okay.” And I got angry with him. Because at that point I didn’t think it was EVER
going to be “okay”. We lost a baby we were supposed to have forever and it was not
going to be okay. And he just continued to rub my back and wipe my tears away.
A great man. A wonderful husband.

I calmed down a bit and just when I thought I could get up and go back to bed I felt it coming back. Just as it hit me again Lilly trotted out, jumped up in my lap, got right in my face, and burped, loud, and it stunk.The sadness moved back and I even smiled. “That was God. That was Him.” I got
up but instead of walking into our bedroom, I walked into Aiden’s room. I needed
to see him right then. I lay beside him and rubbed his back for a bit. And then I
felt that sadness coming back and washing over me again. Just as the tears started
spilling over, Aiden farted. Loud and long and juicy. And the sadness moved back
again and I giggled. “That was God. That was Him.” He knows that Lilly and Aiden
have been my strength through this and he used them to help me get through the
sadness that continued to wash over me that night. He answered my prayers.