Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Just breathe...

We made it just about half way!!  This is our baby!  Our second... our fourth.. baby.  Leading up to the ultrasound I was extremely nervous.  Not about whether it was a boy or a girl.. but about if this baby was "okay".  Healthy.  Growing.  Developing.  Did the progesterone I was putting into my body for weeks upon weeks affect this little baby?  I truly believe it kept me pregnant this time, but did it do any harm?  I know they wouldn't have put me on it if it had devastating affects.. but still.. don't try to rationalize with this woman. :)

Guess what?  This tiny little half pound baby IS HEALTHY! 10 fingers, 10 toes, 4 chambers of the heart.  I asked if the baby was measuring where it should be, obviously a concern with our history, and she said YEP! Sigh of relief number 638. 

I watched this little bugger move around on that screen for almost 30 minutes and could not get over what an absolute miracle this all was and is.  I did take a moment and think about the screen we saw in August and how it only showed a yolk sac, about the screen we saw in December.. first with our tiny little peanut.. and then empty.  My breath caught a few times, and then I refocused on this wonderful little thing in front of me.  I said many prayers this day for those other two babies, and for my Aiden, and obviously for this new baby.  God heard my voice A LOT this day :) 

Hope.  This is what I was only barely clinging to so desperately for 6 months and now I can really, truly, feel it.  I can reach out and touch it.  Do I still get nervous when I go to the bathroom.. almost every time.  Do my twitches and twinges make me panic a bit sometimes.. yes.  But I can feel this baby MOVING now.  And for another reassurance boost.. the ultrasound.  And the smiles on the nurses and my doctors faces that day.  Hope is here. 

To be honest though, I still don't think I will be fully "okay" and "not panicky" until I have this baby in my arms, but I am a bit calmer now.. I can breathe a bit easier now.  

And yes, I did still get excited to find out if we would have more blue, or add pink, into our lives, so....

Blessed.  So very blessed.  I still can't get over it.  The miracle that is pregnancy.  The miracle that is having a child.  I thank God every single day for my Aiden, for this new baby boy, and for holding our two angel babies tightly.

I think its time to just breathe....