Desicions

Monday morning I went to school early to tell Dan. It was only the 4th person I
had told and it was all still extremely raw. I didn’t have to say much. He has gone
through this himself so he didn’t have to say much either. I told him, I cried, I went
home. I knew the second I walked in the building there was no way I could be there
that day.

Jeff and I went to my appointment with Dr. Lyons at 10:15. She was so wonderful to
us. Again, saying everything we needed to hear. And by this point I just didn’t want
to repeat it all and talk it about it, and she didn’t make us. She did want my blood
work again so I was poked for what felt like the 200th time. She gave me pills to take
once we got the call from the nurse after my blood work came back.  They would
"speed up the process".

The absolute worst part of this trip happened in the bathroom  at the office. I passed tissue.
I looked in the toilet for what seemed like forever trying to process it. It didn’t look like a baby.
It didn’t look like anything. Just a very small piece of tissue.
But Dr. Lyons words came back to me at that moment, she told me Saturday morning on
the phone that if I chose to wait and not go to the ER and passed any tissue, I would
have my “answer”. So it seemed I was looking at my answer. I almost screamed. I
almost fell on the floor and sobbed. I almost was sick. I almost scooped it out of
the toilet. To write it now, it seems almost..crazy, for lack of a better word, to say
that. But at the time I just didn’t know what to do. “Do I flush it?” “Is that part of
my baby?” “Should I go get Jeff?” “Should I show the doctor?” After searching my
head and heart for the answer I finally decided I needed to flush the toilet, wash my
hands, and go back to the waiting room to hold Jeff’s hand and wait for our name to
be called.

The nurse called later that day with directions from Dr. Lyons to not take the pills yet
and to come back in for more blood testing on Wednesday. I asked no questions.

Monday night was Meet and Greet at school. I knew I had to be there, for myself
and for the kids. I thought it might make me feel “normal” again, and it actually
did, if only for a couple hours. Allison came in to give me hugs and ask if I needed
anything. Jan and Jaime came in to do the same. It means a lot to have people care,
but it was hard to get those hugs and hear their words and not cry and ache again.
Every time I feel like I am out of tears…they start flowing again.

Monday night Amy and Stacy, my two angels, came to our house with flowers,
veggies and cupcakes. The flowers were beautiful, the veggies and cupcakes
yummy, but best of all, they just talked with me. Talked about normal things, like
school, and being a mom to toddlers. Once again, I felt almost “normal”. Thank God
for the people in my life.