Lost

We lost our baby.


My bleeding got significantly worse yesterday, as I had said in previous posts.  I knew when I woke up last night that it was happening.  I have never experienced bleeding like that before.  Not even last time. It was awful.  Words can't even describe the feelings that I went through.  From midnight until about 4 I sat in the living room and stared.  I sat on the toilet and watched the blood stream out. I layed on the bathroom floor, waiting to change my pad again.  I listened to wonderful songs that made attempt to heal a piece of me.  I talked to God.  I got mad at God.  I asked him to hear my prayers, which were to take this baby in his arms and hold him tightly and envelope him in his love.  I talked to my mom and she gave me words of comfort and strength.  Finally, I went into Aiden's room and layed with him.  The second I layed down he curled up next to me and put his head on my shoulder.  It's what I needed to start breathing again.

I knew the baby was gone, but Jeff needed to know for sure, so we went down to the ER this morning.  After a couple hours the ultrasound tech did her thing.  She was completely silent.  Did. not. say. a. word.  About 5 minutes after she left, the doctor that we had been working with while there, came in.  He was sympathetic, comforting, and gentle with his words. He told us that the ultrasound showed no baby, no yolk sac, no gestational sac.  I had passed it all last night. He touched my shoulder and told us how sorry he was.  He asked about Aiden and told us in a confident voice, that Aiden will have siblings.  Someday he will have siblings. 

Jeff and I cried...  The baby had a heartbeat.  He was alive.  And now he's not.  We got mad...  Why is this happening AGAIN? It's not fair.  We were confused...  We JUST saw the baby.  We got sad again.  We prayed for our baby; that little baby on the screen.  We asked God to join him and our second baby and let them feel our love, and to let them know that we would be with them one day.  But in the mean time, to hold them close and love them. 

And through all of this I haven't been able to forget the children who lost their lives yesterday.  The parents who lost their little babies.  The hearts that are shattered and lives that are forever changed.  We never met our babies.  We saw this baby's heart beating, but we never held him in our arms.  We didn't kiss him goodbye yesterday and then find out that it was our last morning doing so.  Our losses have dug a hole in our hearts and we will never forget these babies, but when I look at Aiden I can't help but feel so incredibly blessed.  It doesn't erase the pain, but it does help ease it.  To know that my sweet, precious Aiden is safe in our arms. 

All last night and this morning I kept thinking, "I can't do this a third time.  I don't want to do this again, my heart can't handle it and nor can my body."  But after a day of hearing the words and prayers of our families and friends, I am already feeling enough strength to push those feelings away.  We will have another baby.  We will.  One way or another, we will.  And we will never forget the two babies we have lost.  They have carved a permanent place in our hearts and we will never stop praying for them. 

Please continue to pray for us.  That in our moments of sadness, misery, and anger, that we may find the strength we need to continue being the kind of mommy and daddy that we need to be for our son. 

12:07 A.M.

This is the time I woke up and thought, "I'm losing my baby."

I am bleeding more than I care to say on here.  The cramping is what woke me up.  It's painful.  And I feel empty. 

It is now 12:21 A.M..  I can't go back to sleep and don't know how I will sleep for a long time. Please pray for me that I can make it though the rest of this night and the next day. 

So confused

I am so confused right now. 

I woke up with a new-found hope, and although still skeptical, I was feeling joy and not sadness over what is happening.  I put the picture of the baby on the table beside my bed so it would be the first thing I saw.  And it did make me happy.  Still nervous.. but at least happy TOO.

Later in the morning I started bleeding significantly more than I have been.  It's not "spotting" anymore.  And its scaring the crap out of me. I'm cramping a lot as well and starting to pass blood clots. It's been a week and a half since I started bleeding and now its getting much, much worse.  Again.. so confused.

I called and moved up the ultrasound to next Wednesday.  The woman I talked to on the phone told me if it continues this way or gets worse to call the on-call doctor.  I asked if they would just send me to the ER and she said yes.  Ugh.  I hate the ER.

After I had started bleeding more this morning, and was extremely nervous, sad, angry, confused.. on and on, I happened to open my computer to check my school mail and had an email from Jana, a parent of students I have had in the past, a co-worker, and a friend.  She told me about a similar experience she had with one of her children while pregnant.  I had him in class a few years ago and he has always held a special place in my heart.  And he is a happy, healthy little boy.  She also shared a quote with me that she tells her kids;  I have held onto this one today.  It's from Going on a Bear Hunt, "You can't go over it, you can't go under it, you have to go through it."  So true.  It was what I needed to pick myself up and continue on with my day.  She also was my angel yesterday.  She brought in a gift to my classroom during the morning.  I had no idea what it was but when I opened it, I knew it was God working through her.  It was a beautiful angel chime with a quote that says, "The world is round, and the place which may seem like the end may also be the beginning." Ivy Baker Priest.  That quote and that angel and the letter she wrote me was the only reason I made it through my day yesterday. 

God does give us miracles.  And he does give us angels.  I know this because I have witnessed both through my experience earlier this year and now.  I truly believe he will walk with me through whatever lies ahead.  But I also know that I am struggling.  Big time.  The uncertainty is wearing me down like nothing else and even though I am trying to just "leave it in God's hands", I am finding myself extremely on edge and feeling negative, tired, and weary.  I know I need to focus on the heartbeat that we saw yesterday and the baby in the picture...but it's easier said than done at this point. 

Continued prayers are so appreciated.  More than you know.

Believe

If there were ever a time in my life to believe God gives us miracles, now would be it. 

We went into the ultrasound this afternoon expecting the worst.  Expecting to leave heartbroken and empty again.  But we left with this instead...

I am completely and totally shocked.  All of the symptoms I am having, the bleeding, the cramping, the tissue.. it's all just like last time.  Which is why during the ultrasound I had my eyes shut.  When she told me to open them and look at the screen I didn't expect to see this.  She pointed at the little blob that has an arrow pointing to it and said, "This is your baby.  And see how it's blinking?  That's it's little heartbeat."

Jeff and I just looked at each other and started crying. 

She measured the baby at 5 weeks 6 days, which is definitely earlier than what we thought we were at; 6 weeks 5 days.  But she said everything looked good in there.  Amazing.

Of course I had a million questions for doctor Smiley Face, which of course couldn't be answered with 100 percent certainty.  As far as my symptoms go, she said there can be lots of different reasons for them and at this point they are calling it a "threatened abortion" (stupidest name EVER).  There is a heartbeat which is very, very, good, but because of my symptoms its a day to day thing, and just like any pregnancy this early, it can still go either way.  If things get worse I have to call them, otherwise they scheduled another ultrasound for us on December 26th, so hopefully we will get to see this precious baby again then.

I want to be jumping up and down for joy and smiling ear to ear and getting out the pregnancy books again.. but I can't.  Not yet.  I'm still so afraid.  Especially now that we saw the baby and they found a heartbeat.  All the bad scenarios that could happen in the future are still playing in my head.  But.  I am still pregnant right now.  And that baby's heart is beating right now. 

I told my mom tonight that this baby is purely and simply still there because of the prayers you have said for us, for him or her.  A baby of prayers.  I am so unbelievably blessed to have each and every one of you in my life.  Please continue to pray for that little baby on the screen.  And I will keep believing and hoping.

Sinking and Swimming

Sinking: 
Saturday.  I woke up and started passing tissue.  I gave up.  I went and layed in bed and cried.  And cried.  And cried.  I was feeling it again.. that darkness that I could reach out and touch.  I stopped crying long enough to go to the store with my family.  On the way there I told Jeff that maybe we should start thinking about adopting.  Just like that.  I told him I wasn't sure I could go through this a third, fourth, fifth time.  It is tearing me down piece by piece, physically, mentally, and emotionally.  

We had a wedding Saturday night.  I forced myself to go.  After the wedding a woman asked when it was time for us to have another baby.  I walked away.. took Aiden outside so I could catch my breath.  About 5 minutes later a friend of ours announced she is pregnant with their third child.  Due about a week before this baby would be due.  Punched in the gut.  I did all I could do to not yell out "why???" to God. I want to be happy for all of these women that are pregnant but it is SO HARD.  I hate myself for not being able to gush and goo and gaa over their news but I just CAN'T.

We went home for a while before the reception.  I just completely lost it in the car and it continued for some time at home.  It was that kind of sadness that literally hurts inside. 

At the reception two more people made comments about it "being time for us to get Aiden a playmate".  I know they were not trying to hurt me in any way, but let me tell you..it hurt like hell. 

The friend that announced her pregnancy at the wedding approached me at the reception after finding out what was going on with us and said to me, "You need to relax. You look way too tense.  Just relax."  I don't think she meant to hurt me with her words but they stung.  And Im going to be honest.. I almost hit her.  For anyone wondering what NOT to say to someone going through a miscarriage... see above. 

This day was HARD.  I was still bleeding and cramping and starting to pass tissue.  My back hurts sooo bad and my left thigh is painful as well (apparently both symptoms of miscarriage).  I had sunk.  I had almost completely given up. 

But there is always tomorrow.

Swimming:
Sunday.  Church never ceases to help give me strength, if only enough to get through that day.  Even on that day, when babies and baptisms were everywhere, the message Pastor Mike gave was relevant and true, as always.  I can say the same about my mom.  I talked to her that day and told her about my Saturday.  At this point I was feeling pretty numb but held on to one thing she said.  She told me to fight.  Fight to find out what is happening and fight to have another baby.  She told me not to give up.  I needed to hear that... badly. (see Saturday)
 

So I have decided to fight.  I know I am going to have to get through the pain of losing another baby, but then... I will fight. 

Two more things:

1.  Please pray for our new niece.  She is beautiful and as much as it hurt driving to the hospital and walking down the hall, the second I saw her I fell in love. And I am TRULY happy for Leslie and Ryan.

2.  Please, please pray for a good friend of mine who is going through a difficult time in her life right now.   Ask the Lord to give her hope and strength, just like you have prayed for him to do for me. 

Just when..

Last night I was feeling my hope return, if only just a little bit.  This morning before I left for school there was more blood and it was a lot.  Bright red.  The hope that I did feel is gone again and I'm back to being terrified, and feeling like now all I'm waiting for is the inevitable. 

I feel selfish to keep asking this, but will you keep praying?  At this point I need prayers to keep me strong enough to be a good..and present.. mommy and wife when I'm home and a good teacher when I'm at work.  I'm EXHAUSTED, mentally and physically but I know with your prayers I can make it to next Thursday to find some answers.

Two Days of Doctors: Day 2 - The Ultrasound

Day 2:  Thursday
Jeff came with me, thank God.  The ultrasound showed a gestational sac and a yolk sac.  No fetal heartbeat, but they did warn us that its probably too early for that anyway.

Meeting with the doctor was... confusing.  She had a smile plastered on her face THE ENTIRE TIME and didn't explain things very well so we were really getting mixed signals about what was going on. I'll tell you what I think I understand:

The ultrasound ruled out a tubal or eptopic pregnancy - good. 

The ultrasound showed a gestational and yolk sac - good.

The ultrasound did not show a fetal heartbeat - don't know yet whether it could show up, so not good, but not bad.

The ultrasound showed that I have what's called Venous Lakes - not good. 
    What she said was basically these are areas of large blood vessel collections outside the placenta that could, or could not go away.  She did say this COULD be the cause of my bleeding, although she can't know for sure.  She also said its something to watch because it can restrict growth and could have something to do with the placenta detaching eventually.  Scary.  Even though I knew she wouldnt have an answer, I asked if she thought this may have been what cause my last miscarriage.  Her answer was, "Each pregnancy is unique and different."  Okay.  I flat out asked if this could cause me to miscarry this time.  Her answer was, "I wish I had a crystal ball."  Okay. 

I scheduled another ultrasound for next Thursday.  I will be 7 weeks so they should be able to pick up a fetal heartbeat.  So basically we are back to playing the waiting game, which is the worst game in the history of all games.

I had pretty much lost all hope this week, but today a little returned.  It wasn't the best news, but certainly not the worst.  Lots of prayers floating your way baby.  Please, please, please keep growing.  There are many people here that want to meet you next summer.

Two Days of Doctors: Day 1

Day 1:  Wednesday
Unfortunately this appointment was 2 hours of waiting around and getting pretty much nothing done.  They took my blood and then after getting undressed, told me I needed to see a doctor not a nurse practitioner since I was bleeding (duh) so I waited for the doctor.  The doctor told me she wanted an ultrasound done so I got redressed and headed out to the waiting room.  After about an hour(of watching 3 different couples emerge from the ultrasound room with pictures galore of their babies) the nurse that was working with me came over and said they had informed her it would be another hour plus until I got back to do an ultrasound.  Soooo, she said I could reschedule for Thursday because Dr. Lyons would be there.  She took me up to the scheduling desk and asked for them to get me a time.  The lady there told us Dr. Lyons wasn't going to be there and there weren't any doctors available at the one time they had an ultrasound open. After about 15 minutes of trying to figure something else out she told me she was just putting me down for the 3:45 time and would tell the doctor she would have to make time for me.  Bless her. 

On my drive home I was a wreck.  I yelled and told God I was mad at him.  I hated the state of mind I was in, but could. not. help. it.  I just barely held it in the entire time I was there.  Being back there was a kick in the gut.  If it weren't for Dr. Lyons being there, I would be finding another place.  Although I will say, the nurse that worked with me was an angel in disguise.  It was clear she knew every piece of my history the second she walked in the door.  She was the one who said I needed to see a doctor, not a nurse practitioner. She was the one who found me in the waiting room.  She was the one that walked me up to the receptionist desk and did all the talking and explaining.  As she was leaving for the night she happened to look back at where I was standing at the receptionist area ( there was a couple that went in front of me because it was taking forever to find me an appt... and then it took them 12 minutes to schedule theirs... ).  I was literally on the verge of sitting down on the floor and crying, for many reasons.  Just as I felt that wave come over me, she walked over to me, squeezed my arm and started talking to me. She apologized for the scheduling troubles, she asked me about my last miscarriage, she talked to me about Aiden.  Good people win out this time too..

Also.. I said this last time and Im saying it again.  They need a separate place for people going through miscarriages or difficult pregnancies.  I know that's just me being dramatic.. but still.

I apologized to God for being angry at him that night and asked for his forgiveness, even though I knew I already had it.  I don't want to go down a road of anger and bitterness and I'm working REALLY hard not to, but it's hard.  So please pray for me.  That no matter what happens I won't walk down that road, and that I will choose better.

The difference between two days

"There isn't a way to get through life unless you know how to get through suffering - and there is no way to get through suffering unless you have a living hope." Tim Keller.

"Lightness always trumps darkness."  Pastor Mike.  :)

These two quotes were the focus of Pastor Mike's sermon this morning and they fit perfectly with what I want to write about today. 

August 8th was when darkness started to surround me.  Darkness I had never felt before. It's when I started bleeding, and when I started to understand that my plans for my life were not the end all be all.  My plans were taken away from me.  A future I foresaw faded away each day for many, many weeks following August 8th.  I was in that kind of darkness that you can actually reach out and touch. When I was with my son or just thought about him it did fade, but never completely went away.  Even when I started to "see the light" and could laugh, smile, be truly happy, I still had moments; minutes, hours, or days, when I felt surrounded by that dang darkness again.  Mike preached over and over again that this darkness settles on everyones life at one time or another.  Its inevitable.  But he also then preached over and over again about the lightness.  I'll write about that in a minute.

Mike also talked a lot about HOPE, and the advent candle that was lit today was the HOPE candle.  The quote that sits on my desk on a rock that Amy gave me says, " For I know the plans I have for you...plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.  The sign that Aliison gave me that sits on my desk says "Faith Hope Love".  The little plastic flower pot that Karen gave me says HOPE on the front.  In every email, text or letter I received throughout my darkness, somewhere in there is the word HOPE.  I don't think I ever completely lost HOPE, but it was covered up by the darkness I had surrounding me.  I knew it was there, but I couldn't see it. 

August 3rd, 2013, almost one year from when my darkness settled in, is the day we HOPE and pray will bring the light back in full force.  This is the day our third baby is due. 

I wrote this Sunday, Dec. 2nd.  I hadn't posted it to the blog yet.  I was waiting until we told all of our family in person.  But now I need prayers.  Now I need prayers of our family, friends, and people who simply stumble across this blog in an attempt to find someone else who is going through the same thing. 

I started bleeding yesterday.  When I saw the blood it felt like someone stabbed me in my heart, punched me in the gut, and crushed my hope all over again.  When I watched the bloody toilet paper flush down the toilet the question that has haunted me since August came back in full force:  "Why?" 

I walked out of that bathroom shaky and not sure what to do.  I immediately went and emailed Amy and then found Allison and kept saying that exact thing, "I don't know what to do."  Bless her, she took care of getting my kids from lunch and had someone cover my room for a bit while I just went and sat in my car.  I called my mom, cried, and felt those feelings of loss coming back.  I thought I could make it through the rest of the day but the second I walked back into my room I knew I couldn't be there.  Dan was in there so I pulled him into the Pod and just started crying and said, "I can't be here."  He gave me a hug and told me to go home and not worry about my class.  He went and got my purse and keys for me and I left.  


The rest of the night went by in a daze.  I played with Aiden, ate supper, talked with Jeff and my mom and my friends, who were all so wonderfully supportive and just "there for me".  But all the while going through scenarios in my head and praying to God that this wasn't happening again.

I have a doctors appointment today.  I'll be honest.. I don't have a lot of hope left.  So I'm asking you send your strength and your hope my way over the next several days. I'm asking you to pray for this baby.  Because one thing I know for certain - prayers are powerful.