I'm having a hard time focusing on big things, big events. But the small things, they are my lifeline right now. Like listening to Aiden sing me a song or watching him jump off the coffee table to the sofa and laughing hysterically, or my mom making Aiden's animals do "olympic diving" in the bathtub, or Jeff making a silly joke, or an email from Amy about her girls, or eating an entire cookie cake in 4 days. These are the things that are getting me through each day and helping me focus on the fact that I am SO incredibly blessed. These are the things that are making me smile and laugh again.
This weekend was wonderful. Family, church, puppies, Target, Aiden, Aiden, Aiden.
Today was pretty good. My nurse called to tell me that my HCG levels have gone down to 400. That's "good". I still have to go back for another blood test and ultrasound on Thursday. My body is continuing to empty itself (I've tried saying that in so many different ways..nothing sounds right). Still a lot of blood and some clots but not as much cramping. I decided not to take the pills Dr. Lyons gave me. It was so awful last weekend, I don't want to go through that again. I will wait and see what the ultrasound shows on Thursday and go from there.
I have started thinking about things like, "What will I do when I need my hair cut again?" I told my long time hair stylist I was pregnant, last time I got my hair cut. She will be expecting me to be bigger when I go in next time. Will she say something? Should I bring it up? Should I tell her on the phone before I go in? Will I cry? Or, how I will react and what I will say when people ask things like, "When are you guys going to have more kids?" or "Why aren't you on your second one yet?" And people do ask, and they mean no harm whatsoever, but what am I going to do when they ask me? I will never, ever again ask anyone a question like this. I know I shouldn't bother myself with thoughts like this, but I do and sometimes I feel it consuming me. I thought about the hair question for a half an hour getting ready yesterday morning.
I will continue to hold on to the "small things".... I put them in quotations because I have realized that the small things in life are NOT small at all.
Dear M,
ReplyDeleteI found your blog today, and it's beautiful - or, as Glennon at Momastery would say, "brutiful." Was wondering if you'd mind me linking it to the facebook page for What Was Lost. I think it might be helpful for some other people who are trying to figure out how to tell/live through their stories.
Thanks for sharing yours so poignantly. I'm so very sorry this is your story to share.
blessings, Elise
Elise,
DeleteI wouldn't mind at all if you linked it on the facebook page for What Was Lost. I feel like this blog was two-fold: journaling to help me heal, and journaling to one day maybe help others heal, like your book has done for me.
Thank you for your kind words.. and being there for me when you didn't even know me.
Mandy
Dearest Daughter,
ReplyDeleteYou know that elephant totally rocked that double twisting back flip in the pike position. And if that silly little thing helped to heal your broken heart in some tiny way, well, wait till you see what I have planned for next time. Synchronized platform diving.
Love you little girl....Mom.
I love this post. Your words can help so many women who feel alone. What a gift you are giving them, all because you are brave enough to share.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Mandy. You can see the link here:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.facebook.com/pages/What-Was-Lost-A-Christian-Journey-Through-Miscarriage/126362620720766?ref=hl
Thank you for sharing your story so beautifully, and for letting me share it with some other women.
Be in touch any time. Glad our paths have crossed. Blessings, Elise
ReplyDeletewow am excited now am now a mother of my own thank god
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