Back at school

Tuesday I went back to school. It was very hard, which I knew it would be, but I had
to be there. Both for my sanity and because the first day of school was the next day
and I wasn’t near being ready. I got an email from Amy right away when I got there.
She told me I was going to be okay, because I was going to do what I was meant to
do. She told me she sent something with Stacy.. it was a promise she held
onto for awhile and she wanted me to have it now. To keep it as long as I need it and
when I know someone else who needs it someday, pass it on. It was a rock with a
verse etched on it: For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to give you hope and a
future. I held that rock all day.

I had a several people stop in or text and say they were thinking of me. It was
hard every single time I heard it, but at the same time comforting to know I had
people who care surrounding me at school. Two teachers came in to tell me they
went through it as well. Karen and Chris. They hugged me, told me their stories,
and listened to mine. They told me it is okay to hurt, its okay to be sad, its okay
to take time for myself. They told me that after 12-15 years they still feel the pain
sometimes. I’m grateful to them.

I talked to Jana, who had just lost her dad a week earlier and was also grieving for a loss of a loved one. We talked about how it didn’t seem right that everyone else’s life moved on and ours had stopped completely. When I walked in the building that morning, that is exactly what I felt, "How is it possible that everyone else's life continues to move forward, and mine has so totally stopped?"

I kept thinking, “I just want this to be over.” And it just kept happening. I had more blood, more brown discharge, and a blood clot this day. I simply stopped going to the bathroom at school. Each time I did, it broke me further.

Tuesday night we spent some really great family time together. I missed Aiden
terribly that day and it was his first day back at Loris. We played when we got
home, we read books, we made supper, we played outside. When Jeff got home we
took a walk to the park and played, gave Aiden a bath, and lay in bed with him to
read him books before bedtime.

Normal. Nice.