Saturday morning we went to a parade with Aiden and it was nice. He loved it and
that made me happy. It was good to be outside in the fresh air and see my son get
excited about tractors and monster trucks. I felt…okay.
That afternoon I talked to Dr. Lyons. She told me what the nurse had told me on Thursday, that yes, my numbers had dropped. She also told me I could take the pills if I want to speed up
the process. She warned me that I would have some severe cramping and probably
a lot of bleeding depending on how much is left. Even to write that last part is
almost unbearable. That “what was left” was my baby.
That night I inserted the 4 pills and laid down for an hour and a half, as instructed by
my doctor. Jeff made me a bed on the sofa and we cuddled. I didn’t feel much over
the course of that time, just some mild cramping.
Calm before the storm.
I thought I had been pretty prepared for what was going to happen to my body,
but I was completely mistaken. When I went to the bathroom before bed I noticed
I had started bleeding. It was devastating, but I still had no idea. I woke up
at 12:20 with the worst cramps I have ever felt. I couldn’t breathe and soon I realized that I was having actual contractions. I timed them. They lasted about
40 seconds with about 20-40 seconds in between. And the blood. There was so
much. I couldn’t even cry, I think I was in shock. It didn’t seem real and I kept
thinking, “I don’t understand.” “This can’t be happening, this feeling was supposed
to happen in March and there was supposed to be a baby after this feeling stopped.”
And I prayed…like crazy. “God I need you to get me through this.” “God I need
strength.” “God please make it stop.” “God…why??” I was up for a couple hours until
finally the Tylenol Jeff gave me kicked in a bit and I was able to fall asleep.
When I woke up the next morning, Sunday, the bleeding was still extremely bad. I kept
thinking about how long it would have taken me to pass all of this without the help
of the pills… and it wasn’t even over yet. I hated what I was going through but I
knew that I couldn’t have done this for weeks and weeks. The cramps had subsided
a little bit, but were still disabling, and I was still in shock, so Jeff told me to go back
to bed. I slept for another couple hours and woke up to more blood and cramping.
I had no idea how long this would last and it was terrifying. This day was another
broken one, until my parents got here. I saw my dad for the first time, which I had
not stopped thinking about all day, and it wasn’t as bad as I had thought. I thought I
would fall down in a heap at his feet and sob, and I didn’t know how he would react.
When we saw each other, he hugged me and told me he loved me. That was all I
needed from him. And then we started talking about Aiden, my saving grace. It was
good to have my parents there that night. I even caught myself laughing two times,
and I meant it and felt it. It was so amazing to feel happy, even if it were only for a
short period of time. I felt like I may actually be okay, eventually.
It never occured to me that you would be nervous to see your dad, but I should have realized. He is the fun, silly, noise-making, story telling, goofball, that you grew up climbing on and playing with. But sweet girl, whatever reaction you had, he would have been your dad, who loves you more than you can imagine. If you had fallen at his feet sobbing, he would have picked you up, and dried your tears. You know that, of course. You are in that place where you feel out of control, at the mercy of your emotions, and you feel like you have a huge neon sign on you that says, "I am sad". And you don't want anyone to ignore that, but you don't want anyone to notice it either. I hate that you are going through this. I want to fix it. Hurry up time. Run faster clock.
ReplyDeleteI love you, little girl. So does your daddy...Mom
ReplyDeletewow am excited now am now a mother of my own thank god
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