Saturday

On Saturday morning, August 11th, I started bleeding again. It wasn’t a whole lot, but it
was more than Wednesday and it was at that moment that I knew… things weren’t
okay. Jeff and Aiden had gone to the store to get diapers so I just got in the tub and
sobbed…hard.

I called the on-call doctor. It just so happened that it was my doctor, Dr. Lyons,
who saw me through Aiden’s pregnancy and delivery. I hadn’t seen her yet for this
pregnancy, but to hear her voice comforted me, if only for a moment. She told me I
had two options at that point: wait until Monday and be seen in the office, or head
to the ER. Waiting wasn’t an option for us, so we packed up Aiden and went to
Mercy.

Little did I know that trip was turn out to be the single most emotionally exhausting
thing I have done in 28 years.

They took my blood, had me pee in a cup, took my vitals… then on to the things that
would give us some answers. Pelvic exam: looked good, no immediate bleeding was
seen. Then the ultrasound….

If they train these ultrasound techs to not show emotion, the one that did mine
missed the course. Almost instantly she looked…confused. That “off” feeling
of mine continued to creep forward and was taking over at this point. No more
thoughts of “It’s going to be okay.” Jeff and Aiden had taken off to the waiting room
because Aiden didn’t like it when the tech shut the lights off. About a minute after
they came back in and Aiden decided it was okay, she asked us if we were sure about
our date. “Yes?”

At this point she turned the monitor around so we could see it and said, “Well the
reason I ask is because I see a yolk sac, which is a good sign, but no baby. I measure
the sac at 5 and a half weeks.”

My life stopped. I have seen it on movies, heard about it, but never experienced
the “my life stopped”/ “my heart stopped beating” moment. I wish I never had
to. I don’t really remember what happened next, except that the tech left and said
something about being sorry for confusing me. I started crying and was exactly
that…confused.

The doctor came in next and sat down by me to explain that two things could be
happening. One, our dates were way off and its just too early to see a baby. Two,
I was in the process of having a miscarriage. My gut feeling told me the latter was
true, especially since it would have been almost 3 weeks off the date and to be
honest, it would be physically impossible for that to be true. She said some other
stuff, once again, I don’t really recall exactly what. At that point I had turned into
someone else. It was surely someone else’s life. Someone else’s results. Someone
else’s body. Surely. She left. I cried. Hard. Jeff held me and we didn’t say a word.
Aiden didn’t like it and kept telling me to “Stop crying Mommy, don’t do that.”
Normally I would do ANYTHING for my son, but I was hurting in a way I didn’t know
was possible and it wouldn’t go away.

Another nurse came in to talk with us some more, give us discharge papers, and tell
us all the things they are supposed to say. “It’s nothing you did.” “Hold out hope
that your date is just off.” “Here is the name of a support group..” Everyone was so,
so nice to us and very respectful. But I will always hate them for giving me
news that would so drastically change my life. Juvenile, probably, but I cant help it.

We left the ER. Once we hit the “outside world”, that I briefly forgot existed, I broke
down again. I literally was feeling my heart breaking and it was awful. I don’t
remember much of the ride home, just that I kept thinking, “I have to call my mom.”
When we got home I did call her. We cried. We were sad. We were confused. She
knew what I was going through. She knew the pain I was feeling. She told me it was
okay to be sad and cry.

I went out to school because I knew Stacy was there and I knew I needed her too. I
told her and she hugged me, told me it was okay to be sad, and took my hands and
prayed with me. I knew I needed Amy as well, but it was her little girls 1 year birthday
party so I decided to wait until after that. She did call me that night and we cried
and she said all the right things to me. The people in my life are remarkable, to say
the very least.

That day was etched in my memory forever. I broke down sobbing several times;
in the middle of taking a bite at suppertime, sitting on the couch watching TV, reading a book with Aiden. Jeff
and I were emotionally drained and didn’t do much talking, if any. We tried hard for
Aiden, but I know it was just a broken day.