Monday, September 17, 2012

And now..

I got a call from my doctor's office today.  They told me the blood test I took Friday showed my levels at 4, which means I don't have to take another one.  I'm done. 

I'm starting to feel almost like myself again and it's wonderful.  And this news today made me feel like after almost 6 weeks, I can truly start to move forward.  Physically I am finally okay, no more bleeding, no more cramping, no more blood tests or ultrasounds.  Emotionally and mentally I think I am okay too.  I can laugh with the best of them and have nice conversations with others again.  I forgot how nice it was to just talk and have your mind not be elsewhere. 

The focus in church this Sunday was prayer.  The whole time we were listening to the sermon I kept thinking about what a blessing it has been to have all of our family and friends praying for us throughout all of this.  Val left a card on my desk on Sept. 11th, the day we were supposed to hear our babys heartbeat, that said "Prayers will carry you today."  I truly believe they did and that they have carried me since the beginning of all of it. 

In the last part of "What Was Lost" it talks about making your miscarriage a part of your life story.  Figuring out what you are going to do with the experience and how it will or won't change you and your future.  My pain has subsided so I have been starting to think a lot about this.  I do know that I am more sensitive to others and what they are going through. I saw a quote a few weeks ago that I have been replaying over and over in my head.  I can't remember word for word and I dont know where it came from (so if you know, please tell!) but it went something like this: "Be kind.  For you do not know the mountain I have asked her to climb." 

I have talked a lot in this blog about the small things and how important they have been to me.  I want to give away those small things to others and help them feel joy, even in times of pain and sadness.  There have been a couple small things I have been able to do for others in the past week and it felt SO GOOD.  Because I know what it was like to have people on my side, in my corner, rooting for me to be okay, praying for me to heal.  Because I know how good it felt to know that people cared and even if for one day, or one moment, they were thinking of me in my time of loss and mourning. 

I have a wonderful and loving husband, an awesome family, amazing friends, and the BEST little almost-2-year-old I could ever ask for.  I am blessed.

People are good.  God is good.  Life is good.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012


Today is the day we were supposed to hear our baby's heartbeat. 

Today I am very sad.  These milestones were supposed to be happy, not heartbreaking.

I'm trying to not cry.  I'm trying to be okay.  I'm trying to only think about the happy things in my life.  But today it's nearly impossible.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

White Pants and the "other side"

Two things that are big for me right now:

1.  I switched to panty liners on Sunday and as of Monday am no longer bleeding.  I still haven't heard from my doctor about the ultrasound on Thursday, but I'm not in any hurry to schedule another one or go in for more blood work so I am just going to wait until they decide to call to give me the results.

2.  I wore white pants today.  Seems like a silly little thing doesn't it?  But I haven't worn them in 4 weeks... for the same reason women don't wear them when they are having their period.  I'm going to say it again.. it's the small things.

I felt really, really happy yesterday and today.  I've been able to joke around with others, laugh at funny things, smile at people passing by, and make small talk.  I love it. 

I think I'm finally almost on the "other side".  Am I "cured"?  Am I "okay"?  Am I "fixed"?  NO.  But I don't feel empty and desolate and depressed anymore.  I still have sad moments and angry moments and confused moments.  I still can't even think about what September 11th will be like, the day I should have heard my babies heartbeat.  But I feel, to put it simply, happy.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Thank God for weddings

These last couple days have been an emotional roller coaster.  Thursday I took off early from work to come home, meet Jeff, and get to the doctor's for our ultrasound and lab.  They took my blood first and then got us right in to the ultrasound room.  This time we went to the other OB office in town and the nurses seemed very much "in the know" and didn't ask any stupid questions like, "Are you having a regular period?".  They also didn't try to get me to talk about my summer...

I went in feeling strong and thinking about the night to come, Sarah's wedding rehearsal, and how much fun it would be.  But the second we checked in, it sunk in and I started to feel those awful feelings of loss and pity washing over me.  There weren't as many pregnant women, but there was a tiny little baby in the waiting room who was crying.  The sound of a baby, even if it is crying, always warms my heart, but this time it made me feel tense and sad.  I kept thinking back to when Aiden was a baby and trying to focus on how blessed we are to have him, instead of thinking about the baby that we were supposed to have in March crying that "baby cry".

I had prepared myself for another terrible ultrasound experience, but that wasn't as bad either.  I kept wondering if I was becoming numb to it all.  The tech only did the "vaginal" ultrasound this time which was good.  I didn't want another belly ultrasound.  For some reason that really got to me.  The tech didn't say much at all except to ask how the bleeding was.  I told her today it wasn't as heavy and was even brown occasionally.

Dr. Lyons wasn't in Friday, so she will call next week with the results.  I am hoping and praying that I won't have to do another ultrasound or blood test.  Please let me be done.

When we were finished at the office, we checked out, walked out hand in hand, got into the car, drove away, and then I lost it again.  I told Jeff the same thing I have said over and over again for the last 3 weeks, "I just want it to be over."  and of course... "It's not fair." 

When we got home I sat in the car for a bit and cried hard, then came inside and started packing and getting ready for the rehearsal.  Something to keep be busy, keep my mind busy, but the ache was still there.  This thought had been nagging at me all week but I was still refusing to bring it to the front... "I was supposed to be almost 11 weeks pregnant at this wedding and we were going to tell Jeff's family." And I was still nervous about people asking me how I was feeling if they didn't know what happened.  Jeff told me he took care of it all and I shouldn't worry about it, but I did anyway.

Nobody said a word.  Thank you husband.

The rehearsal was beautiful, exciting, happy, and fun, as was the wedding the next day.  I was in my own world and starting to bleed heavier again with some clots, but it's hard not to feed off of an ecstatic bride and an adorable little ringbearer named Aiden. (see below)  :) I danced with my husband, we danced with Aiden, chatted with family members, and watched a happy Sarah and Brent dance the night away. It was a good day and night.

I want the feelings of being happy, excited, and giddy to be my normal again, it was really nice to feel that way. 

Thank God for weddings.

 I remember looking at this picture after taking it and thinking, "I am smiling with my teeth showing."  Strange isn't it?  I love how happy I look, and look at my Aiden.  How can I not be happy?

My little ringbearer.  And my angel.