Angry

I was angry today.  On my way to my ultrasound I got angry that I wasn’t pregnant anymore.  Then I turned on 89.1 to hear some soothing music and literally the first thing I hear is Eric talking about Mandy being gone because she is 9 months pregnant and… and then I turned it off and got mad again.  Then I got to Mercy and saw Jeff and was a bit better.  Then we walked inside.

Everyone was pregnant and happy or had a tiny little baby and happy.  So while I was filling out a form asking if I was having a regular period, how many pregnancies I have been through, and if I was feeling depressed, I had to witness all the happiness that pregnancy brings.  I was so mad.  I wasn’t mad at the women themselves, I was mad at my situation and that it had to be me. 

Then they called us back to have the ultrasound.  I waited for the tech to get out a robe and have me undress from the waist down, but instead she had me lie down and pull my dress up over my belly.  I didn’t know I was getting that kind of an ultrasound and it took me off-guard.  The only other time I had that done was when we got to see Aiden for the first time.  I started crying and Jeff rubbed my arm and the tech said, “So how was your summer?”.  Excuse my French, but “what the hell?”  I don’t know if I said anything but after a bit Jeff said, “Well it’s over now, back to school.”  Bless him for filling the awkward silence and turning my thoughts from smacking her. 

After the torture was over, she asked me to undress from the waist down and empty my bladder so she could now do “the other kind of ultrasound”.  So the torture wasn’t over it seemed.  She didn’t say another word to us and I decided to just empty my head and stare at the blank TV screen to the left of me.  It worked until I realized the screen I was looking at was supposed to have our baby on it.  Will I ever be able to look at things the same?

She had me clean up, dress, and head to the waiting room to wait for them to call me back to see Dr. Lyons.  So back out the pregnant women and babies we went.  I just kept my eyes on my chair and Jeff talked to me.  He made me laugh once, which was a giant feat at that point in time.  I can’t even remember what he said.  After about 30 minutes they called us back.

The nurse came in after an hour of waiting in Dr. Lyon’s room.  She asked more stupid questions, like “Are you having your period?” and I continued to become angrier.  The only other time I felt this angry with another person was just an hour and a half earlier in the ultrasound room, and when I called to schedule my first ultrasound earlier in the week.  After I had explained what the ultrasound was for, the lady said “Okay, so do you want me to go ahead and cancel your 12 week appointment with Dr. Lyons then?”  Again, excuse my French, but “What the HELL!”

Dr Lyons came in after another 15 minutes and told us that I still had a lot of lining in my uterus.  She gave us our options:

1. Schedule a D&C, which at this point she didn’t completely recommend, but did say that it would be one procedure and it would be over.  However she made a point to say, “It is a surgery, you will be in the surgical room, you will be put under, and it is costly.”  Bless her for being honest. 

2.  Get more pills from her, do that whole thing again, and come back for an ultrasound in a week and more blood work.

3.  Just let my body take over and come back in a week for an ultrasound and more blood work. 

She recommended number 2, since I had “good results” with the first set of pills.  I hate writing that.  Good results?  I truly love our doctor, but please stop saying that.

We got the pills, she very gently took our hands in hers and shook them, and then asked if we had any more questions.  I asked one question. “When can I start running again?”  Seems silly doesn’t it?  At the time its all I could think about doing.  (Proof that running out my anger must really work, because I was very angry and all I wanted to do was run.)   She smiled and told me it wasn’t a silly question (which is what I prefaced my question by saying) and I can start running whenever I want to. 

Then it was off to the lab for more blood work. After the nurse poked me 2 times, unsuccessfully (and OUCH..really, really OUCH), she said “I’m going to try your other arm I think…oh, and don’t let me forget to keep some cotton ball beneath the Band-Aid afterwards.  I forgot to do that with another patient this morning and there was blood everywhere.”  I’m not making any of that up.  Third time was a charm, thank God. 

Just when I thought things could not, in any way, get worse during this trip to Mercy, they did.  We were waiting in line to check out and a friend of Jeff’s and his very pregnant wife and 2 kids get in line behind us.  Jeff, being the wonderful person he is, made small talk, asked about their pregnancy, and said HI to the kids.  At this time I was just trying not to crumple up into a little ball on the floor and sob.  He introduced me and while I gave a pathetic smile and waved all I could think was “Please do not ask us if we are expecting.”  They didn’t.  I wonder if they could see on my face the pleading.  I wonder if everyone can? 

Finally we scheduled our next ultrasound and left.  Before we even hit the outside world I broke down.  It’s NOT fair.  This should have been our appointment to hear the babies heart beat.

Jeff hugged me hard and then I called my mom and cried. 

When I got back to school I was still not in a good place.  But when I walked in my classroom I found a giant cookie cake (my favorite) and flowers and cards sitting on my desk. My team is thoughtful and sweet and caring and loving.  I went and found a plastic fork in my cupboard and dug in.  I started feeling a little less mad.  People love me, and I love cookie cake. 

The day drug on and finally it was time to go get my Aiden.  Best part of the day yet.  Every time I look at him I remember that even though this awful, awful thing is happening, I am truly blessed.  My baby angel.

Val brought us supper.  Chicken, noodles, salad, dressing, bread, and brownies (with sprinkles, per her kids’ request).  The simple act of dropping off supper is not a so simple act.  It lifted our spirits and gave us more time with our son tonight.  It was an incredibly generous thing to do and we appreciate her.  I know I keep saying this, but people are so good.

Jeff and I went to a movie tonight.  What did I want to do?  Not go to a movie.  But Jeff thought it would be a good idea for us to go, so I did. And I’m glad I did.  We saw the movie “Campaign” with Will Ferrell and I laughed.  I laughed at several parts and I felt good. I love laughing.  It is such a simple thing that I took for granted. 

I woke up angry, very angry. And now I am going to bed not angry.  I can’t say happy, because I’m not there yet, but I’m okay and I am excited to see Aiden in the morning.  And we get to see Ashley’s new puppy.  And I get to see my mom. Tomorrow will be a better day.