Sucky

This week we would have found out whether we were having a boy or a girl.

These milestones suck.

Last night I had girls night with Amy and Stacy.. we watched a kids movie, snuggled Kepler, ate popcorn, and talked and talked.  I told them it was just what the doctor ordered and nice to go to bed happy for a change.

But this morning at church I had a hard time holding it together.  There was a baptism, which I am usually okay with, but then Pastor Mike introduced two new "church-goers".  One was a 10 day old baby and the other was a 10-15 day old baby.  There have been several times in church over the last couple months that I have very nearly lost it because of the sermon.  Today the introduction of 3 babies into our church sent me over the edge. 

Jeff put his arm around me and Val happened to be sitting behind us and she gave my shoulder a squeeze.  Still the tears came.  I don't know what the sermon was about today.  I was too busy trying to keep myself upright in the pew.  These moments suck. 

I have been making more and more peace with it as time goes by, but sometimes it hits me so hard I can't escape it. And all I can think is "I WANT THAT BABY BACK!!"

A couple weeks ago I sent this email to Amy.  She asked me to put it on my blog.  I think I will. 

Last night I was watching that stupid show Private Practice for some reason and a woman was told by Jake, one of the main doctors, that she had another miscarriage... her 4th one.  Another doctor told Jake that he needed to tell this woman that it was time to stop trying, but he couldn't do it. Then a woman came in and gave birth in the ER because the rooms were too full and the woman that had had 4 miscarriages witnessed them handing the baby to the mom and she burst into tears. 

And then I burst into tears.  I haven't thought too much about the fact that I could very well miscarry again.. and again.  But strangely enough, yesterday on my way home from school I started thinking about how many times would be too many.  And then my mind took me to adoption.  I had some super in depth convos with God.  But I still didn't have an answer.  Then I watched that show and it just really hit me that that could be me.  I could have many more miscarriages before I get my baby and in the end it may come from another mommy.

I have kept thinking next summer or fall we will probably have another.. but I am so selfish to think that way. I think Ive just been terrified of thinking the alternative. 

I don't think I can go through this again, and again, and again.  I still get so sad at times and it feels like I cant breath.  Like right now. 

And pregnant woman are EVERYWHERE.  They are "haunting" me at work, in my family, in my circle of friends outside of work, on facebook, on blogs I follow, even on the damn TV shows I watch.  Its been excruciatingly hard to try and work through my feelings when every where I turn there is another pregnant friend. It's something I have had to put COMPLETELY in the trust of God because if it were just me I would literally dig a hole and stay in it.

And then I think of the baby I do have.  And how awesome he is.  And how even though I don't think I would ever feel complete if I didn't have another baby, I am so blessed to have the one I have.  Deep breath.  Okay.  My saga for today is over. 

Amy's response was perfect, as it always is.  She always knows just the thing to say.  I still don't even have a response to my email that day. 

I do know that having family and friends and God to turn to when I "crumple" at the milestones, or just a TV show, continues to lift me up and give me the strength to have a better day the next day.

In a perfect world..

In a perfect world the last post would have been my last and things would have went on "happily ever after".  But unfortunately it's not a perfect world. :(

My son's second birthday was yesterday.  Best day EVER.  Except I stupidly decided to get on facebook and post some pictures and saw that one of my teacher friends is now pregnant.  Due in April.  I'm happy for them..and for all the other teacher friends I have that commented that now they are all pregnant together and will have babies close in age...but I also felt so MAD.  I told Jeff I feel like everyone else in our lives gets their way.  They have a plan and they get to see it through. They get to be pregnant and have wonderful pregnancies with healthy babies at the other end.  And we don't.  I have had such a wonderful past month and really felt at peace with everything, but the last week I have struggled and the news of another pregnancy just sent me over the edge.  I pulled it together and pushed it to the back of my mind for the day and DID NOT let it take over on my baby's birthday, but today it came back. 

It started to creep back up on me last week when the new season of "fall TV" started up.  We watched a new show called the New Normal and it was all about a same-sex couple who found a woman to give them a baby.  The episode was about their 12 week appointment and hearing the heartbeat and happiness and smiles and tears.. of joy.  Then Modern Family was about Gloria announcing she's pregnant.  Then Private Practice was all about people having babies, pregnant women..etc. etc.  Even the damn commercials were all about pregnancy and shows about pregnant women and babies.  Ugh. 

I know they are just TV shows, and this is irrational, but I kept thinking "Even the fake TV people get babies." 

And I'm on my second week of having my period, which should be a "good" thing right?  That means I'm ovulating and we can try again.  And even though my mind is happy and relieved that my cycle is starting up again, my heart is still not ready.  I'm not ready.

It doesn't just disappear.  I wish it did, and I wish once I was through the pain it NEVER returned, but it's just not a perfect world.  

And now..

I got a call from my doctor's office today.  They told me the blood test I took Friday showed my levels at 4, which means I don't have to take another one.  I'm done. 

I'm starting to feel almost like myself again and it's wonderful.  And this news today made me feel like after almost 6 weeks, I can truly start to move forward.  Physically I am finally okay, no more bleeding, no more cramping, no more blood tests or ultrasounds.  Emotionally and mentally I think I am okay too.  I can laugh with the best of them and have nice conversations with others again.  I forgot how nice it was to just talk and have your mind not be elsewhere. 

The focus in church this Sunday was prayer.  The whole time we were listening to the sermon I kept thinking about what a blessing it has been to have all of our family and friends praying for us throughout all of this.  Val left a card on my desk on Sept. 11th, the day we were supposed to hear our babys heartbeat, that said "Prayers will carry you today."  I truly believe they did and that they have carried me since the beginning of all of it. 

In the last part of "What Was Lost" it talks about making your miscarriage a part of your life story.  Figuring out what you are going to do with the experience and how it will or won't change you and your future.  My pain has subsided so I have been starting to think a lot about this.  I do know that I am more sensitive to others and what they are going through. I saw a quote a few weeks ago that I have been replaying over and over in my head.  I can't remember word for word and I dont know where it came from (so if you know, please tell!) but it went something like this: "Be kind.  For you do not know the mountain I have asked her to climb." 

I have talked a lot in this blog about the small things and how important they have been to me.  I want to give away those small things to others and help them feel joy, even in times of pain and sadness.  There have been a couple small things I have been able to do for others in the past week and it felt SO GOOD.  Because I know what it was like to have people on my side, in my corner, rooting for me to be okay, praying for me to heal.  Because I know how good it felt to know that people cared and even if for one day, or one moment, they were thinking of me in my time of loss and mourning. 

I have a wonderful and loving husband, an awesome family, amazing friends, and the BEST little almost-2-year-old I could ever ask for.  I am blessed.

People are good.  God is good.  Life is good.

Heartbeat

Today is the day we were supposed to hear our baby's heartbeat. 

Today I am very sad.  These milestones were supposed to be happy, not heartbreaking.

I'm trying to not cry.  I'm trying to be okay.  I'm trying to only think about the happy things in my life.  But today it's nearly impossible.

White Pants and the "other side"

Two things that are big for me right now:

1.  I switched to panty liners on Sunday and as of Monday am no longer bleeding.  I still haven't heard from my doctor about the ultrasound on Thursday, but I'm not in any hurry to schedule another one or go in for more blood work so I am just going to wait until they decide to call to give me the results.

2.  I wore white pants today.  Seems like a silly little thing doesn't it?  But I haven't worn them in 4 weeks... for the same reason women don't wear them when they are having their period.  I'm going to say it again.. it's the small things.


I felt really, really happy yesterday and today.  I've been able to joke around with others, laugh at funny things, smile at people passing by, and make small talk.  I love it. 

I think I'm finally almost on the "other side".  Am I "cured"?  Am I "okay"?  Am I "fixed"?  NO.  But I don't feel empty and desolate and depressed anymore.  I still have sad moments and angry moments and confused moments.  I still can't even think about what September 11th will be like, the day I should have heard my babies heartbeat.  But I feel, to put it simply, happy.

Thank God for weddings

These last couple days have been an emotional roller coaster.  Thursday I took off early from work to come home, meet Jeff, and get to the doctor's for our ultrasound and lab.  They took my blood first and then got us right in to the ultrasound room.  This time we went to the other OB office in town and the nurses seemed very much "in the know" and didn't ask any stupid questions like, "Are you having a regular period?".  They also didn't try to get me to talk about my summer...

I went in feeling strong and thinking about the night to come, Sarah's wedding rehearsal, and how much fun it would be.  But the second we checked in, it sunk in and I started to feel those awful feelings of loss and pity washing over me.  There weren't as many pregnant women, but there was a tiny little baby in the waiting room who was crying.  The sound of a baby, even if it is crying, always warms my heart, but this time it made me feel tense and sad.  I kept thinking back to when Aiden was a baby and trying to focus on how blessed we are to have him, instead of thinking about the baby that we were supposed to have in March crying that "baby cry".

I had prepared myself for another terrible ultrasound experience, but that wasn't as bad either.  I kept wondering if I was becoming numb to it all.  The tech only did the "vaginal" ultrasound this time which was good.  I didn't want another belly ultrasound.  For some reason that really got to me.  The tech didn't say much at all except to ask how the bleeding was.  I told her today it wasn't as heavy and was even brown occasionally.

Dr. Lyons wasn't in Friday, so she will call next week with the results.  I am hoping and praying that I won't have to do another ultrasound or blood test.  Please let me be done.

When we were finished at the office, we checked out, walked out hand in hand, got into the car, drove away, and then I lost it again.  I told Jeff the same thing I have said over and over again for the last 3 weeks, "I just want it to be over."  and of course... "It's not fair." 

When we got home I sat in the car for a bit and cried hard, then came inside and started packing and getting ready for the rehearsal.  Something to keep be busy, keep my mind busy, but the ache was still there.  This thought had been nagging at me all week but I was still refusing to bring it to the front... "I was supposed to be almost 11 weeks pregnant at this wedding and we were going to tell Jeff's family." And I was still nervous about people asking me how I was feeling if they didn't know what happened.  Jeff told me he took care of it all and I shouldn't worry about it, but I did anyway.

Nobody said a word.  Thank you husband.

The rehearsal was beautiful, exciting, happy, and fun, as was the wedding the next day.  I was in my own world and starting to bleed heavier again with some clots, but it's hard not to feed off of an ecstatic bride and an adorable little ringbearer named Aiden. (see below)  :) I danced with my husband, we danced with Aiden, chatted with family members, and watched a happy Sarah and Brent dance the night away. It was a good day and night.

I want the feelings of being happy, excited, and giddy to be my normal again, it was really nice to feel that way. 

Thank God for weddings.

 I remember looking at this picture after taking it and thinking, "I am smiling with my teeth showing."  Strange isn't it?  I love how happy I look, and look at my Aiden.  How can I not be happy?

My little ringbearer.  And my angel.

What I hold onto at school

There are a few things I have kept at school to give me reminders and help me regain strength when I feel like I'm losing it. 

 This is the rock Amy gave me.  Sometimes I literally hold it in the palm of my hand.

This is a gift from Karen.  She wrote me a note that said it is a "good reminder of what to hold on to."  She is so right.

This was from two teachers I work with, Wendy and Mary.  I cried and cried when I found it on my desk one morning last week.  This picture is the background on my phone right now.

At home I have cards and flowers everywhere.  I was wondering this morning how people who don't have loved ones in their lives get through loss.  I wouldn't have made it through those first few days without the people in my life.  Family, friends, acquaintances, authors. other blog writers.  And they are still there for me, still praying for me.  I can feel it.

At school today I had a bad moment.  Bad, as in, I thought I was going to need to run out of the room because I was going to break down in a sob in front of 6 other teachers.  We were having a meeting and talking about when our next one would be.  The date that was thrown out there was September 11th.  That day has a double meaning for me now.  It was the day our 12 week appointment was scheduled.  We would have heard our baby's heartbeat that day.  I held it together, just barely, but I swear to you, I felt my heart twist in pain. 

As I was writing this entry, I got really sad again.  I let the computer sit idle while Jeff hugged me and let me cry on his shoulder.  I almost was angry with myself because I have had such a wonderful last couple days.  I don't want to shed more tears. I am so tired of crying. 

But I know I am still healing and I know from listening to others that I need to allow myself time to heal. 

It's okay to cry.