Sucky

This week we would have found out whether we were having a boy or a girl.

These milestones suck.

Last night I had girls night with Amy and Stacy.. we watched a kids movie, snuggled Kepler, ate popcorn, and talked and talked.  I told them it was just what the doctor ordered and nice to go to bed happy for a change.

But this morning at church I had a hard time holding it together.  There was a baptism, which I am usually okay with, but then Pastor Mike introduced two new "church-goers".  One was a 10 day old baby and the other was a 10-15 day old baby.  There have been several times in church over the last couple months that I have very nearly lost it because of the sermon.  Today the introduction of 3 babies into our church sent me over the edge. 

Jeff put his arm around me and Val happened to be sitting behind us and she gave my shoulder a squeeze.  Still the tears came.  I don't know what the sermon was about today.  I was too busy trying to keep myself upright in the pew.  These moments suck. 

I have been making more and more peace with it as time goes by, but sometimes it hits me so hard I can't escape it. And all I can think is "I WANT THAT BABY BACK!!"

A couple weeks ago I sent this email to Amy.  She asked me to put it on my blog.  I think I will. 

Last night I was watching that stupid show Private Practice for some reason and a woman was told by Jake, one of the main doctors, that she had another miscarriage... her 4th one.  Another doctor told Jake that he needed to tell this woman that it was time to stop trying, but he couldn't do it. Then a woman came in and gave birth in the ER because the rooms were too full and the woman that had had 4 miscarriages witnessed them handing the baby to the mom and she burst into tears. 

And then I burst into tears.  I haven't thought too much about the fact that I could very well miscarry again.. and again.  But strangely enough, yesterday on my way home from school I started thinking about how many times would be too many.  And then my mind took me to adoption.  I had some super in depth convos with God.  But I still didn't have an answer.  Then I watched that show and it just really hit me that that could be me.  I could have many more miscarriages before I get my baby and in the end it may come from another mommy.

I have kept thinking next summer or fall we will probably have another.. but I am so selfish to think that way. I think Ive just been terrified of thinking the alternative. 

I don't think I can go through this again, and again, and again.  I still get so sad at times and it feels like I cant breath.  Like right now. 

And pregnant woman are EVERYWHERE.  They are "haunting" me at work, in my family, in my circle of friends outside of work, on facebook, on blogs I follow, even on the damn TV shows I watch.  Its been excruciatingly hard to try and work through my feelings when every where I turn there is another pregnant friend. It's something I have had to put COMPLETELY in the trust of God because if it were just me I would literally dig a hole and stay in it.

And then I think of the baby I do have.  And how awesome he is.  And how even though I don't think I would ever feel complete if I didn't have another baby, I am so blessed to have the one I have.  Deep breath.  Okay.  My saga for today is over. 

Amy's response was perfect, as it always is.  She always knows just the thing to say.  I still don't even have a response to my email that day. 

I do know that having family and friends and God to turn to when I "crumple" at the milestones, or just a TV show, continues to lift me up and give me the strength to have a better day the next day.