In a perfect world the last post would have been my last and things would have went on "happily ever after". But unfortunately it's not a perfect world. :(
My son's second birthday was yesterday. Best day EVER. Except I stupidly decided to get on facebook and post some pictures and saw that one of my teacher friends is now pregnant. Due in April. I'm happy for them..and for all the other teacher friends I have that commented that now they are all pregnant together and will have babies close in age...but I also felt so MAD. I told Jeff I feel like everyone else in our lives gets their way. They have a plan and they get to see it through. They get to be pregnant and have wonderful pregnancies with healthy babies at the other end. And we don't. I have had such a wonderful past month and really felt at peace with everything, but the last week I have struggled and the news of another pregnancy just sent me over the edge. I pulled it together and pushed it to the back of my mind for the day and DID NOT let it take over on my baby's birthday, but today it came back.
It started to creep back up on me last week when the new season of "fall TV" started up. We watched a new show called the New Normal and it was all about a same-sex couple who found a woman to give them a baby. The episode was about their 12 week appointment and hearing the heartbeat and happiness and smiles and tears.. of joy. Then Modern Family was about Gloria announcing she's pregnant. Then Private Practice was all about people having babies, pregnant women..etc. etc. Even the damn commercials were all about pregnancy and shows about pregnant women and babies. Ugh.
I know they are just TV shows, and this is irrational, but I kept thinking "Even the fake TV people get babies."
And I'm on my second week of having my period, which should be a "good" thing right? That means I'm ovulating and we can try again. And even though my mind is happy and relieved that my cycle is starting up again, my heart is still not ready. I'm not ready.
It doesn't just disappear. I wish it did, and I wish once I was through the pain it NEVER returned, but it's just not a perfect world.
Oh Honey. This is how it is. This sad, sad, thing that happened will revisit you from time to time, and the things that make you think about it will be obvious sometimes, and vague sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI knew the day I brought up Modern Family to you, I goofed. You didn't say anything, but I saw that cloud come over you.
You are beautiful and amazing. Your mom loves you so, so much.
I just saw this post now. :( I thought of you today when I was going to a baby shower and someone said, "Everyone you know is pregnant!" It made me sad and I just said, "Yeah, almost." I'm still praying for you each and every day. You've come so far and worked so hard. It doesn't seem fair that this pain can keep coming back. If it wasn't 9:30 at night, I might just show up at your door with a cupcake.
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ReplyDeletewow am excited now am now a mother of my own thank god
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