The difference between two days

"There isn't a way to get through life unless you know how to get through suffering - and there is no way to get through suffering unless you have a living hope." Tim Keller.

"Lightness always trumps darkness."  Pastor Mike.  :)

These two quotes were the focus of Pastor Mike's sermon this morning and they fit perfectly with what I want to write about today. 

August 8th was when darkness started to surround me.  Darkness I had never felt before. It's when I started bleeding, and when I started to understand that my plans for my life were not the end all be all.  My plans were taken away from me.  A future I foresaw faded away each day for many, many weeks following August 8th.  I was in that kind of darkness that you can actually reach out and touch. When I was with my son or just thought about him it did fade, but never completely went away.  Even when I started to "see the light" and could laugh, smile, be truly happy, I still had moments; minutes, hours, or days, when I felt surrounded by that dang darkness again.  Mike preached over and over again that this darkness settles on everyones life at one time or another.  Its inevitable.  But he also then preached over and over again about the lightness.  I'll write about that in a minute.

Mike also talked a lot about HOPE, and the advent candle that was lit today was the HOPE candle.  The quote that sits on my desk on a rock that Amy gave me says, " For I know the plans I have for you...plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.  The sign that Aliison gave me that sits on my desk says "Faith Hope Love".  The little plastic flower pot that Karen gave me says HOPE on the front.  In every email, text or letter I received throughout my darkness, somewhere in there is the word HOPE.  I don't think I ever completely lost HOPE, but it was covered up by the darkness I had surrounding me.  I knew it was there, but I couldn't see it. 

August 3rd, 2013, almost one year from when my darkness settled in, is the day we HOPE and pray will bring the light back in full force.  This is the day our third baby is due. 

I wrote this Sunday, Dec. 2nd.  I hadn't posted it to the blog yet.  I was waiting until we told all of our family in person.  But now I need prayers.  Now I need prayers of our family, friends, and people who simply stumble across this blog in an attempt to find someone else who is going through the same thing. 

I started bleeding yesterday.  When I saw the blood it felt like someone stabbed me in my heart, punched me in the gut, and crushed my hope all over again.  When I watched the bloody toilet paper flush down the toilet the question that has haunted me since August came back in full force:  "Why?" 

I walked out of that bathroom shaky and not sure what to do.  I immediately went and emailed Amy and then found Allison and kept saying that exact thing, "I don't know what to do."  Bless her, she took care of getting my kids from lunch and had someone cover my room for a bit while I just went and sat in my car.  I called my mom, cried, and felt those feelings of loss coming back.  I thought I could make it through the rest of the day but the second I walked back into my room I knew I couldn't be there.  Dan was in there so I pulled him into the Pod and just started crying and said, "I can't be here."  He gave me a hug and told me to go home and not worry about my class.  He went and got my purse and keys for me and I left.  


The rest of the night went by in a daze.  I played with Aiden, ate supper, talked with Jeff and my mom and my friends, who were all so wonderfully supportive and just "there for me".  But all the while going through scenarios in my head and praying to God that this wasn't happening again.

I have a doctors appointment today.  I'll be honest.. I don't have a lot of hope left.  So I'm asking you send your strength and your hope my way over the next several days. I'm asking you to pray for this baby.  Because one thing I know for certain - prayers are powerful.