So confused

I am so confused right now. 

I woke up with a new-found hope, and although still skeptical, I was feeling joy and not sadness over what is happening.  I put the picture of the baby on the table beside my bed so it would be the first thing I saw.  And it did make me happy.  Still nervous.. but at least happy TOO.

Later in the morning I started bleeding significantly more than I have been.  It's not "spotting" anymore.  And its scaring the crap out of me. I'm cramping a lot as well and starting to pass blood clots. It's been a week and a half since I started bleeding and now its getting much, much worse.  Again.. so confused.

I called and moved up the ultrasound to next Wednesday.  The woman I talked to on the phone told me if it continues this way or gets worse to call the on-call doctor.  I asked if they would just send me to the ER and she said yes.  Ugh.  I hate the ER.

After I had started bleeding more this morning, and was extremely nervous, sad, angry, confused.. on and on, I happened to open my computer to check my school mail and had an email from Jana, a parent of students I have had in the past, a co-worker, and a friend.  She told me about a similar experience she had with one of her children while pregnant.  I had him in class a few years ago and he has always held a special place in my heart.  And he is a happy, healthy little boy.  She also shared a quote with me that she tells her kids;  I have held onto this one today.  It's from Going on a Bear Hunt, "You can't go over it, you can't go under it, you have to go through it."  So true.  It was what I needed to pick myself up and continue on with my day.  She also was my angel yesterday.  She brought in a gift to my classroom during the morning.  I had no idea what it was but when I opened it, I knew it was God working through her.  It was a beautiful angel chime with a quote that says, "The world is round, and the place which may seem like the end may also be the beginning." Ivy Baker Priest.  That quote and that angel and the letter she wrote me was the only reason I made it through my day yesterday. 

God does give us miracles.  And he does give us angels.  I know this because I have witnessed both through my experience earlier this year and now.  I truly believe he will walk with me through whatever lies ahead.  But I also know that I am struggling.  Big time.  The uncertainty is wearing me down like nothing else and even though I am trying to just "leave it in God's hands", I am finding myself extremely on edge and feeling negative, tired, and weary.  I know I need to focus on the heartbeat that we saw yesterday and the baby in the picture...but it's easier said than done at this point. 

Continued prayers are so appreciated.  More than you know.