Day 1: Wednesday
Unfortunately this appointment was 2 hours of waiting around and getting pretty much nothing done. They took my blood and then after getting undressed, told me I needed to see a doctor not a nurse practitioner since I was bleeding (duh) so I waited for the doctor. The doctor told me she wanted an ultrasound done so I got redressed and headed out to the waiting room. After about an hour(of watching 3 different couples emerge from the ultrasound room with pictures galore of their babies) the nurse that was working with me came over and said they had informed her it would be another hour plus until I got back to do an ultrasound. Soooo, she said I could reschedule for Thursday because Dr. Lyons would be there. She took me up to the scheduling desk and asked for them to get me a time. The lady there told us Dr. Lyons wasn't going to be there and there weren't any doctors available at the one time they had an ultrasound open. After about 15 minutes of trying to figure something else out she told me she was just putting me down for the 3:45 time and would tell the doctor she would have to make time for me. Bless her.
On my drive home I was a wreck. I yelled and told God I was mad at him. I hated the state of mind I was in, but could. not. help. it. I just barely held it in the entire time I was there. Being back there was a kick in the gut. If it weren't for Dr. Lyons being there, I would be finding another place. Although I will say, the nurse that worked with me was an angel in disguise. It was clear she knew every piece of my history the second she walked in the door. She was the one who said I needed to see a doctor, not a nurse practitioner. She was the one who found me in the waiting room. She was the one that walked me up to the receptionist desk and did all the talking and explaining. As she was leaving for the night she happened to look back at where I was standing at the receptionist area ( there was a couple that went in front of me because it was taking forever to find me an appt... and then it took them 12 minutes to schedule theirs... ). I was literally on the verge of sitting down on the floor and crying, for many reasons. Just as I felt that wave come over me, she walked over to me, squeezed my arm and started talking to me. She apologized for the scheduling troubles, she asked me about my last miscarriage, she talked to me about Aiden. Good people win out this time too..
Also.. I said this last time and Im saying it again. They need a separate place for people going through miscarriages or difficult pregnancies. I know that's just me being dramatic.. but still.
I apologized to God for being angry at him that night and asked for his forgiveness, even though I knew I already had it. I don't want to go down a road of anger and bitterness and I'm working REALLY hard not to, but it's hard. So please pray for me. That no matter what happens I won't walk down that road, and that I will choose better.
I found hope today. Because my beautiful, broken daughter was in so much pain she was mad at the world. She was lost, and I didn't have words to help her, because I was lost with her. I was scared. I was afraid my little girl was not going to make it. I watched her sink into a bitter, despondent place, dark place. I sat with her on the floor and silently prayed that God would lift her up. She started to cry, started to sob. And Aiden. The precious love of her life, was scared, and cried, and fell into his mommies arms and looked in her eyes. And she came back to us, in an instant. She turned off her tears like a light switch, sat up, hugged her son, and smiled at him. My Mandy was back with us.
ReplyDeleteThank you, God, for the blessing that is Aiden. He will save his mommy from herself.
I love you, my strong, wonderful daughter. You will survive this.
ReplyDeletewow am excited now am now a mother of my own thank god
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