Peace

Last Wednesday, January 23rd I took my fourth positive pregnancy test.  And surprisingly, I felt incredibly at peace.  In November I had cried and instantly had a conversation with God.  I had felt anxious and worried and extremely skeptical from the second I saw the two lines.  But this time...

This time I feel so peaceful and positive.  I know it has a lot to do with the fact that I have truly "given it to God".  I never really understood that meaning until now.  I know that things could still end the way they did the last two times we were blessed with those little two lines.. but I also have complete faith that no matter HOW it ends, or starts, I'm going to be okay.  And I'm going to be able to continue being the kind of woman I want to be.  

My boobs hurt, I've grown probably 10 inches around my tummy from bloat,  and I am hungry all the time.  It's awesome.  I can't wait until I start puking everywhere.  You think I'm being sarcastic.. I'm not.  :)  Those "pregnancy woes" are one thing I cannot WAIT to experience again. 

We aren't quite sure how far along we are since we aren't sure if I technically even had a period.. but we are assuming around 5 weeks (apparently they weren't lying when they told us women are very fertile right after they miscarry...).  My progesterone was at a 36.5 last Thursday and my HCG at 104.  Good and good.  So they didn't need to put me on supplements.  On Monday my progesterone was at 35.4 and my HCG at 967.  Very good and very good.  I have another lab appointment Friday to test my progesterone.  Our first ultrasound will be in two weeks.  As positive and peaceful as I feel, I also will admit I am finding it difficult to look too far ahead.  I haven't thought past the present day.  One day at a time is my motto from here on out.  Let's have a good Friday baby!  Keep up the good work!

Thank you for your prayers, once again..you have no idea how much they mean.

 “Don’t squander joy. We can’t prepare for tragedy and loss. When we turn every opportunity to feel joy into a test drive for despair, we actually diminish our resilience. Yes, softening into joy is uncomfortable. Yes, it’s scary. Yes, it’s vulnerable. But every time we allow ourselves to lean into joy and give in to those moments, we build resilience and we cultivate hope. The joy becomes part of who we are, and when bad things happen—and they do happen—we are stronger.” (from Daring Greatly, Gotham Books, 2012)

Answers and more questions.

My thoughts going into my appointment last Tuesday were simple:  'Get my blood drawn to find out if my levels are back at 0 (please let them be) and ask Dr. Lyons for a referral to another doctor because as much as I love her, I just can't walk into this office anymore.'

Here is how things went...

I'm sitting in the ob office waiting for my appointment with Dr. Lyons and just had a conversation I wanted to share.

The woman who took my blood when I got here offered me her condolences. She is the first one to do that, as far as lab techs go. I was taken aback for a moment and then said thank you. She told me she had 3 miscarriages.. After having a son. She lost the first at 4 months the second at 5 months and the third at 4 months. She told me the names they had picked out for each one, which were all girl names because she had wanted a daughter so badly. I asked if she had any testing done and she said she did and found out she had a blood-clotting disorder and she never was able to have another baby. And they didn't adopt because her husbands parents wouldn't have accepted it.  Just when I was about to start crying she said, "But I have a wonderful son and 3 beautiful grandchildren." And she said it with a smile. I thanked her for sharing her story with me and I truly meant it. It helps me to know that even if our worst fears come true, we will survive. We will continue smiling and being happy for the son we do have. And it also made me feel so very blessed for our families. Who would be nothing but supportive of any decision we make in the future as far as children go.

Here is how the rest of the appointment went:

Dr. Lyons nurse, Tami, came out and got me and I instantly started feeling a little better about being there.  She has always been so kind and today was no exception.  When we got in the room she asked me how I was doing.. not the kind of "How are you?" that you say to someone passing in the hall at work.. the kind that you know the person really cares because they stop, look at you, and wait for your answer.  She told me how sorry she was and we talked a bit about what happened.  

Even though I had planned on "breaking up" with her, when Dr. Lyons came in I felt such a sense of relief flood over me.  I hadn't seen her through this last miscarriage and it was SO GOOD to talk to her.  The first thing she said when she shut the door was "I'm so sorry Mandy."  and she gave me a hug.  She pulled up a chair so she was sitting next to me and we talked about a lot of "stuff".  Here is the run down:

She looked at my blood results from the last time we were in the office, which was the day we had the ultrasound and saw the baby.  She looked at my progesterone level (the growth hormone that sustains pregnancy until the placenta takes over.. which could also be why the baby was measuring a week small already) and she instantly had a plan.  She said it was at a 5 and at that point in my pregnancy I should have been at 19/20.  When I looked it up later I found this:

According to the Advanced Fertility Center of Chicago, progesterone levels need to be above around 15 ng/mL for a pregnancy to be viable.

and this...

Even an egg that implants properly can be threatened by low progesterone -- if a woman's progesterone is below 15 ng/mL, even if the egg has implanted in the uterus, she's at risk for a miscarriage.

So.  She told me that when we get pregnant again I need to head to the office and get my progesterone levels tested right away and then monitored from then on out until we are "out of the woods" so to speak.  If my levels are low, even at 17/18, she will put me on a supplement.  She is an advocate for progesterone supplements because of the results she has seen during her career.  I trust her and I think this is the right plan.  I did ask if there was anything else we could do, because I didn't think I could do this a third or fourth time, and she said at this point there is nothing else that warrants concern.  The ultrasounds didn't show anything abnormal with my uterus and because I have already had one healthy, full-term pregnancy it's a good chance I will have another.  But I still don't know why we lost our baby in August.. and possibly another in June.  That's what still worries me.  But this has given me hope again, that we may have found an answer.

__________

One thing that I am confused about, and this isn't something I thought to ask at the moment, but why don't they monitor these levels from the get-go in all pregnancies?  All they did was take my blood like usual and run a test. It seems like such a simple thing to do... and could possibly save many, many babies.  Also.  Dr. Lyons said if she would have seen these results that day she would have called me in to the office to put me on the supplement immediately.  Why didn't that other smily-face doctor do that?  Did she even look at my results?  If she did, didn't that number concern her?  Nobody can say that would have saved our baby, but it nobody can say that it wouldn't have either.  

I certainly do not want to start getting bitter and placing blame, but these things do tug at me when I really start to think about it.  

But.  I am focused on trying to stay positive.  Trying to cope in the best way I know how.  I read this on one of the blogs I follow.  I hadn't read it in a while, but Amy asked if I had read it recently and sent me the link to this post.  I found something that I have really tried to hold on to this past month..

 “Don’t squander joy. We can’t prepare for tragedy and loss. When we turn every opportunity to feel joy into a test drive for despair, we actually diminish our resilience. Yes, softening into joy is uncomfortable. Yes, it’s scary. Yes, it’s vulnerable. But every time we allow ourselves to lean into joy and give in to those moments, we build resilience and we cultivate hope. The joy becomes part of who we are, and when bad things happen—and they do happen—we are stronger.” (from Daring Greatly, Gotham Books, 2012)

Lost

We lost our baby.


My bleeding got significantly worse yesterday, as I had said in previous posts.  I knew when I woke up last night that it was happening.  I have never experienced bleeding like that before.  Not even last time. It was awful.  Words can't even describe the feelings that I went through.  From midnight until about 4 I sat in the living room and stared.  I sat on the toilet and watched the blood stream out. I layed on the bathroom floor, waiting to change my pad again.  I listened to wonderful songs that made attempt to heal a piece of me.  I talked to God.  I got mad at God.  I asked him to hear my prayers, which were to take this baby in his arms and hold him tightly and envelope him in his love.  I talked to my mom and she gave me words of comfort and strength.  Finally, I went into Aiden's room and layed with him.  The second I layed down he curled up next to me and put his head on my shoulder.  It's what I needed to start breathing again.

I knew the baby was gone, but Jeff needed to know for sure, so we went down to the ER this morning.  After a couple hours the ultrasound tech did her thing.  She was completely silent.  Did. not. say. a. word.  About 5 minutes after she left, the doctor that we had been working with while there, came in.  He was sympathetic, comforting, and gentle with his words. He told us that the ultrasound showed no baby, no yolk sac, no gestational sac.  I had passed it all last night. He touched my shoulder and told us how sorry he was.  He asked about Aiden and told us in a confident voice, that Aiden will have siblings.  Someday he will have siblings. 

Jeff and I cried...  The baby had a heartbeat.  He was alive.  And now he's not.  We got mad...  Why is this happening AGAIN? It's not fair.  We were confused...  We JUST saw the baby.  We got sad again.  We prayed for our baby; that little baby on the screen.  We asked God to join him and our second baby and let them feel our love, and to let them know that we would be with them one day.  But in the mean time, to hold them close and love them. 

And through all of this I haven't been able to forget the children who lost their lives yesterday.  The parents who lost their little babies.  The hearts that are shattered and lives that are forever changed.  We never met our babies.  We saw this baby's heart beating, but we never held him in our arms.  We didn't kiss him goodbye yesterday and then find out that it was our last morning doing so.  Our losses have dug a hole in our hearts and we will never forget these babies, but when I look at Aiden I can't help but feel so incredibly blessed.  It doesn't erase the pain, but it does help ease it.  To know that my sweet, precious Aiden is safe in our arms. 

All last night and this morning I kept thinking, "I can't do this a third time.  I don't want to do this again, my heart can't handle it and nor can my body."  But after a day of hearing the words and prayers of our families and friends, I am already feeling enough strength to push those feelings away.  We will have another baby.  We will.  One way or another, we will.  And we will never forget the two babies we have lost.  They have carved a permanent place in our hearts and we will never stop praying for them. 

Please continue to pray for us.  That in our moments of sadness, misery, and anger, that we may find the strength we need to continue being the kind of mommy and daddy that we need to be for our son. 

12:07 A.M.

This is the time I woke up and thought, "I'm losing my baby."

I am bleeding more than I care to say on here.  The cramping is what woke me up.  It's painful.  And I feel empty. 

It is now 12:21 A.M..  I can't go back to sleep and don't know how I will sleep for a long time. Please pray for me that I can make it though the rest of this night and the next day. 

So confused

I am so confused right now. 

I woke up with a new-found hope, and although still skeptical, I was feeling joy and not sadness over what is happening.  I put the picture of the baby on the table beside my bed so it would be the first thing I saw.  And it did make me happy.  Still nervous.. but at least happy TOO.

Later in the morning I started bleeding significantly more than I have been.  It's not "spotting" anymore.  And its scaring the crap out of me. I'm cramping a lot as well and starting to pass blood clots. It's been a week and a half since I started bleeding and now its getting much, much worse.  Again.. so confused.

I called and moved up the ultrasound to next Wednesday.  The woman I talked to on the phone told me if it continues this way or gets worse to call the on-call doctor.  I asked if they would just send me to the ER and she said yes.  Ugh.  I hate the ER.

After I had started bleeding more this morning, and was extremely nervous, sad, angry, confused.. on and on, I happened to open my computer to check my school mail and had an email from Jana, a parent of students I have had in the past, a co-worker, and a friend.  She told me about a similar experience she had with one of her children while pregnant.  I had him in class a few years ago and he has always held a special place in my heart.  And he is a happy, healthy little boy.  She also shared a quote with me that she tells her kids;  I have held onto this one today.  It's from Going on a Bear Hunt, "You can't go over it, you can't go under it, you have to go through it."  So true.  It was what I needed to pick myself up and continue on with my day.  She also was my angel yesterday.  She brought in a gift to my classroom during the morning.  I had no idea what it was but when I opened it, I knew it was God working through her.  It was a beautiful angel chime with a quote that says, "The world is round, and the place which may seem like the end may also be the beginning." Ivy Baker Priest.  That quote and that angel and the letter she wrote me was the only reason I made it through my day yesterday. 

God does give us miracles.  And he does give us angels.  I know this because I have witnessed both through my experience earlier this year and now.  I truly believe he will walk with me through whatever lies ahead.  But I also know that I am struggling.  Big time.  The uncertainty is wearing me down like nothing else and even though I am trying to just "leave it in God's hands", I am finding myself extremely on edge and feeling negative, tired, and weary.  I know I need to focus on the heartbeat that we saw yesterday and the baby in the picture...but it's easier said than done at this point. 

Continued prayers are so appreciated.  More than you know.

Believe

If there were ever a time in my life to believe God gives us miracles, now would be it. 

We went into the ultrasound this afternoon expecting the worst.  Expecting to leave heartbroken and empty again.  But we left with this instead...

I am completely and totally shocked.  All of the symptoms I am having, the bleeding, the cramping, the tissue.. it's all just like last time.  Which is why during the ultrasound I had my eyes shut.  When she told me to open them and look at the screen I didn't expect to see this.  She pointed at the little blob that has an arrow pointing to it and said, "This is your baby.  And see how it's blinking?  That's it's little heartbeat."

Jeff and I just looked at each other and started crying. 

She measured the baby at 5 weeks 6 days, which is definitely earlier than what we thought we were at; 6 weeks 5 days.  But she said everything looked good in there.  Amazing.

Of course I had a million questions for doctor Smiley Face, which of course couldn't be answered with 100 percent certainty.  As far as my symptoms go, she said there can be lots of different reasons for them and at this point they are calling it a "threatened abortion" (stupidest name EVER).  There is a heartbeat which is very, very, good, but because of my symptoms its a day to day thing, and just like any pregnancy this early, it can still go either way.  If things get worse I have to call them, otherwise they scheduled another ultrasound for us on December 26th, so hopefully we will get to see this precious baby again then.

I want to be jumping up and down for joy and smiling ear to ear and getting out the pregnancy books again.. but I can't.  Not yet.  I'm still so afraid.  Especially now that we saw the baby and they found a heartbeat.  All the bad scenarios that could happen in the future are still playing in my head.  But.  I am still pregnant right now.  And that baby's heart is beating right now. 

I told my mom tonight that this baby is purely and simply still there because of the prayers you have said for us, for him or her.  A baby of prayers.  I am so unbelievably blessed to have each and every one of you in my life.  Please continue to pray for that little baby on the screen.  And I will keep believing and hoping.

Sinking and Swimming

Sinking: 
Saturday.  I woke up and started passing tissue.  I gave up.  I went and layed in bed and cried.  And cried.  And cried.  I was feeling it again.. that darkness that I could reach out and touch.  I stopped crying long enough to go to the store with my family.  On the way there I told Jeff that maybe we should start thinking about adopting.  Just like that.  I told him I wasn't sure I could go through this a third, fourth, fifth time.  It is tearing me down piece by piece, physically, mentally, and emotionally.  

We had a wedding Saturday night.  I forced myself to go.  After the wedding a woman asked when it was time for us to have another baby.  I walked away.. took Aiden outside so I could catch my breath.  About 5 minutes later a friend of ours announced she is pregnant with their third child.  Due about a week before this baby would be due.  Punched in the gut.  I did all I could do to not yell out "why???" to God. I want to be happy for all of these women that are pregnant but it is SO HARD.  I hate myself for not being able to gush and goo and gaa over their news but I just CAN'T.

We went home for a while before the reception.  I just completely lost it in the car and it continued for some time at home.  It was that kind of sadness that literally hurts inside. 

At the reception two more people made comments about it "being time for us to get Aiden a playmate".  I know they were not trying to hurt me in any way, but let me tell you..it hurt like hell. 

The friend that announced her pregnancy at the wedding approached me at the reception after finding out what was going on with us and said to me, "You need to relax. You look way too tense.  Just relax."  I don't think she meant to hurt me with her words but they stung.  And Im going to be honest.. I almost hit her.  For anyone wondering what NOT to say to someone going through a miscarriage... see above. 

This day was HARD.  I was still bleeding and cramping and starting to pass tissue.  My back hurts sooo bad and my left thigh is painful as well (apparently both symptoms of miscarriage).  I had sunk.  I had almost completely given up. 

But there is always tomorrow.

Swimming:
Sunday.  Church never ceases to help give me strength, if only enough to get through that day.  Even on that day, when babies and baptisms were everywhere, the message Pastor Mike gave was relevant and true, as always.  I can say the same about my mom.  I talked to her that day and told her about my Saturday.  At this point I was feeling pretty numb but held on to one thing she said.  She told me to fight.  Fight to find out what is happening and fight to have another baby.  She told me not to give up.  I needed to hear that... badly. (see Saturday)
 

So I have decided to fight.  I know I am going to have to get through the pain of losing another baby, but then... I will fight. 

Two more things:

1.  Please pray for our new niece.  She is beautiful and as much as it hurt driving to the hospital and walking down the hall, the second I saw her I fell in love. And I am TRULY happy for Leslie and Ryan.

2.  Please, please pray for a good friend of mine who is going through a difficult time in her life right now.   Ask the Lord to give her hope and strength, just like you have prayed for him to do for me.