Why hello there!

Measuring in at 10 weeks 4 days here is Baby Lam again!  The ultrasound yesterday was great!  We even got to see him/her moving around in there... an absolute miracle. It was the cutest thing to see his/her little legs and arms move and occasionally his/her whole buddy kind of jumped :) The heart rate was 178/180 bpm which is good and to hear that this baby was ahead of schedule as far as measurement was such a good feeling!

It was so wonderful to walk out of that room with tears of joy and not sadness.  It was so wonderful to look up at the screen and see our healthy baby all snuggled in. If ever there is a time in a woman's life to feel the closest to God it would be during pregnancy.  Every night I go to bed thanking God for what he is giving us.  For this 1 1/2 inch MIRACLE that is inside of me growing and moving.  It's just like when I look at my Aiden.  I feel so incredibly blessed.

We met with Dr. Lyons after the ultrasound and she reassured us that everything looked great.  She tried to pick up the heartbeat with the sonogram device but it was a no-go.  My uterus is tipped back and because Im only 10 weeks along it made it tricky.  She said she heard it a few times but nothing Jeff and I could hear.  Since it was found on the ultrasound we weren't worried.

I stopped doing the shots this past Monday.  Made it a week and a half and then called in to ask what to do about the pain.  I was to the point where I was up all night delirious with pain and I couldnt really walk during the day.  Lyons actually had me stop them and go back to the suppositories three times a day.  Because of this she had me do my progesterone levels while I was there Friday.  She called me with the results at 5:45 that night because she knew I was anxious to know.  They are 20, which she said is good.  Of course, I would rather them be at 50 or even 30.. but 20 is much better than 16, where we were just a few short weeks ago.

I had a pap so I spotted last night and a bit today.  I knew it would happen and Dr. Lyons reminded me it would happen as well.. but its still such a scary sight to see the blood.  I haven't had any spotting this whole pregnancy so its not a comforting thing to see, even though I knew it would happen.

March has already been a month of conflicting emotions for me.  There are a couple women in our lives that had due dates within a 10-15 days of ours and they both had their babies this week.  It's hard not to think about what might have been.  Its hard not to look in our nursery and let my mind wonder what color it would have been.  Its hard not to see Aiden's old pack and play and wonder if it would be set up in our bedroom already.  Its hard.  But I keep going back to Pastor Mike's sermon months ago about lightness trumping darkness.  And its the truth.  Whenever I feel that sadness coming back to me my mind smiles at the baby that is growing inside of me right now.  There is no replacing the two babies we lost and there is no forgetting.  But there can still be happiness.  And there can still be light.