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Tuesday, March 26th is the day our second baby was due. The weeks leading up to this day
have been a roller coaster ride of emotions. I'm pregnant, so not only am
I basking in the joy of this new baby, but I'm also sick and tired. But
when my guard lets down, usually at night, I am overrun by thoughts of
"what might have been". Every time I walk by Aidens old nursery I
picture a tiny little baby sleeping in that crib. The emotions have been
running high for this girl, to say the least.
It still stings a bit (sometimes a lot bit) when I see pictures of our friends new babies who were born this month. I wonder, "Will I always feel that way when I see those children?". Will I think, "Our baby should be that old now." And I still get a pang of jealously when I see them holding their tiny little babies or when I see pregnant friends who are due any week. Sometimes I feel like I am being irrational to feel jealously. I have a marvelous son and another one 13 weeks in the making. How can I be jealous? But most times I give myself permission to feel that little pang for a moment.. and then I move on. Thats one thing I have learned through this... I have to let myself feel. I don't want to bury my feelings, pretend like nothing happened, and act like I am completely fine now.
God has given me a couple things this week for me to hold onto as I walk through the sadness of what might have been:
1. I was reading through a baby book of someone very close to me late last week. A constant thing I read over and over, written from mommy to baby, was, "We have waited for you for a long time," "You have finally come into our lives," "We prayed for you for a long time."... and they did. Years. I sat there for quite some time thinking about what an absolute blessing this little girl is to her parents, and also thinking about my situation. We got pregnant very easily with Aiden. We got pregnant very easily last summer and again in the winter and again at the beginning of this year. I have been pregnant 4 times in the past 3 years. There are people who go many months or years ( many who are good friends and family ) without seeing those 2 pink lines. It humbled me. It made me take a moment and say a silent prayer thanking God for giving us the blessing of being able to conceive. And to ask Him to continue to give strength to those who are struggling to do so.
2. A friend of mine shared a book her father wrote called A Foot in Two Worlds (by: Vincent D Homan). He lost his son several years ago, she lost her brother. Though I haven't finished the whole book, the amount I have read has once again, humbled me. He says many times that everyone's loss is the worst to them. Though I didn't lose a child that had been with our family for years, I did lose a child. I lost 2. Though my pain may be "easier" to live through because I never held those babies in my arms, it is worst to me. It made me feel justified for the way I felt after losing my babies and it made me feel justified that I still feel sadness about it. He talks about his faith before and after the loss of his son. He talks about hope and grief and the fight between the two. This book is an incredible testament and is honestly honest. I have been comforted by his words, and know that my light is a little dimmer this week, but it won't completely go out. I would recommend this book to anyone who has experienced ANY kind of loss in their lives.
It still stings a bit (sometimes a lot bit) when I see pictures of our friends new babies who were born this month. I wonder, "Will I always feel that way when I see those children?". Will I think, "Our baby should be that old now." And I still get a pang of jealously when I see them holding their tiny little babies or when I see pregnant friends who are due any week. Sometimes I feel like I am being irrational to feel jealously. I have a marvelous son and another one 13 weeks in the making. How can I be jealous? But most times I give myself permission to feel that little pang for a moment.. and then I move on. Thats one thing I have learned through this... I have to let myself feel. I don't want to bury my feelings, pretend like nothing happened, and act like I am completely fine now.
God has given me a couple things this week for me to hold onto as I walk through the sadness of what might have been:
1. I was reading through a baby book of someone very close to me late last week. A constant thing I read over and over, written from mommy to baby, was, "We have waited for you for a long time," "You have finally come into our lives," "We prayed for you for a long time."... and they did. Years. I sat there for quite some time thinking about what an absolute blessing this little girl is to her parents, and also thinking about my situation. We got pregnant very easily with Aiden. We got pregnant very easily last summer and again in the winter and again at the beginning of this year. I have been pregnant 4 times in the past 3 years. There are people who go many months or years ( many who are good friends and family ) without seeing those 2 pink lines. It humbled me. It made me take a moment and say a silent prayer thanking God for giving us the blessing of being able to conceive. And to ask Him to continue to give strength to those who are struggling to do so.
2. A friend of mine shared a book her father wrote called A Foot in Two Worlds (by: Vincent D Homan). He lost his son several years ago, she lost her brother. Though I haven't finished the whole book, the amount I have read has once again, humbled me. He says many times that everyone's loss is the worst to them. Though I didn't lose a child that had been with our family for years, I did lose a child. I lost 2. Though my pain may be "easier" to live through because I never held those babies in my arms, it is worst to me. It made me feel justified for the way I felt after losing my babies and it made me feel justified that I still feel sadness about it. He talks about his faith before and after the loss of his son. He talks about hope and grief and the fight between the two. This book is an incredible testament and is honestly honest. I have been comforted by his words, and know that my light is a little dimmer this week, but it won't completely go out. I would recommend this book to anyone who has experienced ANY kind of loss in their lives.
Once again, it is the people in my life, whether it be people I know or don't know personally, that are carrying me. It truly is incredible what happens when you let yourself be carried by those who love you. By those who have been through tragedy and loss. And even by those whose stories you only read about..but connect to.
My hope remains stable. My heart, though a little weary right now, is maintaining its strength. I know the little peach inside of me is a true mark of God. That little baby is holding me up and continuing to remind me to "look up".
Take a moment out of your day Tuesday and say a quick prayer for our baby in heaven. And for all of the babies (no matter how old) who are with mine. And for the parents who are still waiting for those 2 little pink lines.
My hope remains stable. My heart, though a little weary right now, is maintaining its strength. I know the little peach inside of me is a true mark of God. That little baby is holding me up and continuing to remind me to "look up".
Take a moment out of your day Tuesday and say a quick prayer for our baby in heaven. And for all of the babies (no matter how old) who are with mine. And for the parents who are still waiting for those 2 little pink lines.
Oh Mandy. I know this is a difficult time, but if you've ever trusted your mom, trust me now.
ReplyDeleteThis baby, the one growing inside you, the one you are waiting for, is THE ONE. When you hold this baby in your arms, and look into your new child's eyes, you will see the sum of the journey your little one took to get to you. Everything that came before will be part of this child.
If I didn't know what you are feeling, I wouldn't have you. I WOULDN'T HAVE YOU, MANDY. YOU were the one that was meant to be. YOU are the one I thank God for. YOU. ARE.
You healed my broken heart, and that little peanut inside you is coming to do the same for you.
I love you....Mom
ReplyDeletewow am excited now am now a mother of my own thank god
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