Due Date

Tuesday, March 26th is the day our second baby was due. The weeks leading up to this day have been a roller coaster ride of emotions. I'm pregnant, so not only am I basking in the joy of this new baby, but I'm also sick and tired. But when my guard lets down, usually at night, I am overrun by thoughts of "what might have been". Every time I walk by Aidens old nursery I picture a tiny little baby sleeping in that crib. The emotions have been running high for this girl, to say the least.

It still stings a bit (sometimes a lot bit) when I see pictures of our friends new babies who were born this month. I wonder, "Will I always feel that way when I see those children?". Will I think, "Our baby should be that old now." And I still get a pang of jealously when I see them holding their tiny little babies or when I see pregnant friends who are due any week.  Sometimes I feel like I am being irrational to feel jealously.  I have a marvelous son and another one 13 weeks in the making.  How can I be jealous?  But most times I give myself permission to feel that little pang for a moment.. and then I move on.  Thats one thing I have learned through this... I have to let myself feel.  I don't want to bury my feelings, pretend like nothing happened, and act like I am completely fine now.

God has given me a couple things this week for me to hold onto as I walk through the sadness of what might have been:

1. I was reading through a baby book of someone very close to me late last week. A constant thing I read over and over, written from mommy to baby, was, "We have waited for you for a long time," "You have finally come into our lives," "We prayed for you for a long time."... and they did. Years. I sat there for quite some time thinking about what an absolute blessing this little girl is to her parents, and also thinking about my situation. We got pregnant very easily with Aiden. We got pregnant very easily last summer and again in the winter and again at the beginning of this year. I have been pregnant 4 times in the past 3 years. There are people who go many months or years ( many who are good friends and family ) without seeing those 2 pink lines. It humbled me. It made me take a moment and say a silent prayer thanking God for giving us the blessing of being able to conceive. And to ask Him to continue to give strength to those who are struggling to do so.

2. A friend of mine shared a book her father wrote called A Foot in Two Worlds (by: Vincent D Homan). He lost his son several years ago, she lost her brother. Though I haven't finished the whole book, the amount I have read has once again, humbled me. He says many times that everyone's loss is the worst to them. Though I didn't lose a child that had been with our family for years, I did lose a child. I lost 2. Though my pain may be "easier" to live through because I never held those babies in my arms, it is worst to me. It made me feel justified for the way I felt after losing my babies and it made me feel justified that I still feel sadness about it. He talks about his faith before and after the loss of his son. He talks about hope and grief and the fight between the two. This book is an incredible testament and is honestly honest. I have been comforted by his words, and know that my light is a little dimmer this week, but it won't completely go out. I would recommend this book to anyone who has experienced ANY kind of loss in their lives. 

Once again, it is the people in my life, whether it be people I know or don't know personally, that are carrying me.  It truly is incredible what happens when you let yourself be carried by those who love you.  By those who have been through tragedy and loss.  And even by those whose stories you only read about..but connect to.

My hope remains stable. My heart, though a little weary right now, is maintaining its strength. I know the little peach inside of me is a true mark of God. That little baby is holding me up and continuing to remind me to "look up".

Take a moment out of your day Tuesday and say a quick prayer for our baby in heaven. And for all of the babies (no matter how old) who are with mine. And for the parents who are still waiting for those 2 little pink lines.

Why hello there!

Measuring in at 10 weeks 4 days here is Baby Lam again!  The ultrasound yesterday was great!  We even got to see him/her moving around in there... an absolute miracle. It was the cutest thing to see his/her little legs and arms move and occasionally his/her whole buddy kind of jumped :) The heart rate was 178/180 bpm which is good and to hear that this baby was ahead of schedule as far as measurement was such a good feeling!

It was so wonderful to walk out of that room with tears of joy and not sadness.  It was so wonderful to look up at the screen and see our healthy baby all snuggled in. If ever there is a time in a woman's life to feel the closest to God it would be during pregnancy.  Every night I go to bed thanking God for what he is giving us.  For this 1 1/2 inch MIRACLE that is inside of me growing and moving.  It's just like when I look at my Aiden.  I feel so incredibly blessed.

We met with Dr. Lyons after the ultrasound and she reassured us that everything looked great.  She tried to pick up the heartbeat with the sonogram device but it was a no-go.  My uterus is tipped back and because Im only 10 weeks along it made it tricky.  She said she heard it a few times but nothing Jeff and I could hear.  Since it was found on the ultrasound we weren't worried.

I stopped doing the shots this past Monday.  Made it a week and a half and then called in to ask what to do about the pain.  I was to the point where I was up all night delirious with pain and I couldnt really walk during the day.  Lyons actually had me stop them and go back to the suppositories three times a day.  Because of this she had me do my progesterone levels while I was there Friday.  She called me with the results at 5:45 that night because she knew I was anxious to know.  They are 20, which she said is good.  Of course, I would rather them be at 50 or even 30.. but 20 is much better than 16, where we were just a few short weeks ago.

I had a pap so I spotted last night and a bit today.  I knew it would happen and Dr. Lyons reminded me it would happen as well.. but its still such a scary sight to see the blood.  I haven't had any spotting this whole pregnancy so its not a comforting thing to see, even though I knew it would happen.

March has already been a month of conflicting emotions for me.  There are a couple women in our lives that had due dates within a 10-15 days of ours and they both had their babies this week.  It's hard not to think about what might have been.  Its hard not to look in our nursery and let my mind wonder what color it would have been.  Its hard not to see Aiden's old pack and play and wonder if it would be set up in our bedroom already.  Its hard.  But I keep going back to Pastor Mike's sermon months ago about lightness trumping darkness.  And its the truth.  Whenever I feel that sadness coming back to me my mind smiles at the baby that is growing inside of me right now.  There is no replacing the two babies we lost and there is no forgetting.  But there can still be happiness.  And there can still be light.