365 days

One year ago today our lives changed. I had been bleeding slightly for 3 days so we made a trip into the ER. Aiden came with, I'm still not sure why we had him come, except because probably we didn't think it would be the trip that it was...

I was nervous. But not too nervous. I knew what they could tell me. But didn't think they actually would.  I knew how the conversation with family and friends could go.  But didn't expect to actually have it. 

The news we received led us to this: We lost our baby.

The story has been written here so I don't feel the need to repeat it. But I do feel the need to talk about where I am now. Because I remember reading and hearing stories from others, even strangers on blogs, that had gone through it.  And it helped me to feel less alone. And justified in my feelings. If I can be that comfort to even one other person out there, its worth it to tell the story. 

I think back on that day quite frequently. Not to dwell or make myself cry, although that's how it was initially. Now, however, I look back on that day to remind myself how far I've come, how much I've learned, and how incredibly blessed I am. And yes, I do still pray for that baby, and the other one, often.

I was so sad. That day one year ago. I cried more tears than I thought I had. I was also very confused. It was surreal. I remember asking "Why?" a lot.

The next several weeks took a toll on me physically, and emotionally I was a wreck. Lots of pretending happened. Pretending to be happy. Pretending to have fun. Pretending to be the mommy I wanted to be for Aiden. The list goes on and on. I thought it would help to get pregnant again. After losing the next, I realized I wasn't ready. I still needed some time. But then we were given yet another chance. And this time I was at peace. And I truly contribute that peacefulness to my faith. This last year I have spent a lot of time working on my faith. Working on my relationship with God. Church helped ease my pain and pastor Mikes words gave me strength. Little by little I was filled with hope again. And here I am, 32 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby boy. Was I scared this time around? Absolutely. Am I still at times? Absolutely. But Ive learned a lot....

I learned that you must fight for what you feel is right and best for your children (including the unborn)..even if people who are thought to be smarter and wiser than you tell you different. I truly believe that if I wouldn't have fought tooth and nail with my doctors and nurses to have my progesterone tested and supplemented, we would have lost this baby too.  

I learned that how I felt and dealt with the loss of babies was okay.  Regardless of what some told me, I wasn't crazy, or too emotional, or being ridiculous, or not looking at things the "right" way.  A couple of very good friends experienced the loss of a baby within this last year and one thing I was determined NOT to do was judge the way they dealt with it.  To each his own, especially when dealing with loss. 

I learned that people are good, good, good. Hugs, notes, gifts, flowers, emails, phone calls, blog comments, texts, cards... the outpouring of love trumped the judgers. I learned to lean on others. Really lean on them. 

I learned that I had much more to give to my faith. More time, more commitment, more trust in God. Its amazing what it's done for me. 

I honestly didn't think today would be hard for me.  I made it through the due date of our third baby without tears falling. But I had a few moments when the tears just came today.  I think mainly because I revisited the way I felt that day.  I kept seeing my face, Jeff's face. I thought about how my heart literally felt like it was breaking apart.. I could feel it breaking. Not crying because I want THAT baby, not because I wished it never happened. Strange to say that, but I mean it. The little baby in my belly is meant to be ours to hold in our arms and love here on earth. The other two babies were real and are in God's arms.  They brought me a lot even though I never met them. I love them and am so grateful for what they made me. They are a part of me and always will be. 

From hopeless to hopeful. 

365 days ago I was so, so sad. Today, 365 days later, I am so, so happy.  

Our third due date

Today is the due date of our third baby, the second baby we lost. It's hard to be sad when I have a little boy moving around inside me, ready to make his appearance in just a couple months. More than anything I've been thinking back to when I lost that baby. And wanting to reach out and hug that girl and say, "You WILL be okay. You WILL have another baby." I remember so vivedly feeling hopeless the night I miscarried. That time much more than the first. That was the night I cried longer and harder than I ever have, and it was the night when I started to look into adoption, thinking "I'm never going to carry another baby." Thank God for pushing me to look beyond sadness and hopelessness and see the light. Because now I have another little baby growing inside of me and he will be here before we know it.

This morning we walked at the "Heart Walk" with a family whose son was born with basically half a heart. We heard stories and saw other friends we know whose son or daughter has a heart defect. It puts things in perspective certainly and it magnified how unbelievably blessed we are to have a healthy almost 3 year old and another one on the way who appears to be very healthy as well.

I have chosen to take this day and make it a good, happy day, instead of a sad day. I will drink in every moment with my Aiden and smile brightly every time I feel my baby boy move, kick me, or have the hiccups :)